You always in our midst

Today I was struck by the way God works though us with out us actually being aware sometimes! It shows me how much I am in his hands. He does everything and I need to be open to Him in every moment. I am more than ever convinced about the immersion in God!

Even being at home all day yesterday I noticed that the world comes in through various ways, and I find myself adopting attitudes which are not really love for my neighbour. Going to mass this morning I  felt that I was in need of nothing! I am privileged enough to have God with me, what more do I need? Not just me and God, but Jesus in our midst with Paul & Mary, Noreen, Joelle, Louise and Pat! It doesn't take much either, other than being there for the other, offering my life for them. 

One of the readings today talks about jealousy and greed and envy in the early community, and I was struck by the fact that also in our community these things can happen, if we are not immersed in God! I can be immersed in God if I am open to my brother or sister in the present moment! Then I meditated on something Chiara said in 1958! 

Then where can I find you, where can I look for you on earth? Where can I imbue my soul, where can I imbue all my being? Where can I find you? I don’t know the measure of God, because it’s not possible to measure God, but supposing that we could use human measures… if it were possible to find tons of God, where could I find him?”

There are lots of places where I can find God:

1. In the Eucharist, which for me is such a wonderful thing! There he is amongst his creation!
2. In my brother and sister! If only I would always love the way Jesus loves me I would never be without him. Each one of us is created as a gift. God has given us talents as his expression of love for us and put people different from me next to me as expression of his love for me! And I pick holes into his gifts!! He is ok but... She talks too much but...Instead of they are completing with their talents what I do not have! Thanks for your gifts!  His love for each one of us makes us one and instead of looking enviously at the talents of the other we rejoice that the talent in the other is actually there to complete our life! It's my neighbour who keeps me on the straight and narrow, because I cannot go to God alone. 
3. In our midst, God among his people, and we would listen to the Holy Spirit, because we don't really want anything else! Isn't it great to know that if I love by living my life in donation to others, if I keep nothing for myself, if I love going beyond my health, my limits, my not being up to it, my being similar to Jesus on the Cross, He is actually beside me, in our midst! What a great gift! Is there anything else I need or want?
4. In the word, scripture! I could reflect on the same text every day and I would discover something else all the time. I know that God speak to me through the scripture, but am I always open to hear? 

There are other ways to be with God, but just looking at these four, I realise that God is all around me. My best friend is always with me! I am never alone, if I don't want to be. 

Jesus, I than you for this tumour more than you can imagine! Without it I would probably never understood and lived the things I do now. I want to carry on playing to show you, Love, to a world which is looking for just that and does not know it has Love living in its midst! Today I offer everything so that you remain always in our midst. 

So much love

This morning at mass I could not but be grateful to God for all the gifts I am receiving every day:

1. Firstly, what a beautiful world we are living in, a wonder of creation. There are so many things we take for granted!
2. Secondly, the church despite our limitations and our mistakes it has survived 2000 years! A testimony that it is not a human construction. 
3. Thirdly, the Focolare Movement, my spiritual home, which has made me understand God loves me immensely! There is nothing I need, because he is looking after me.
4. My Focolare, the best in the world, because we have Jesus amongst us. We have the enormous gift of God, who is love, living amongst us! 
5. My life full of gifts from God through others and through the things God is allowing me to live. His love for me is crying out for an answer. I can't but love my neighbour. 

So, what would I have to complain about if I have received so much love! 

Stay immersed in Him

Today's readings are very beautiful and strong! I could not help but think that St Paul could have been talking at the meeting of the delegates and the whole of the movement!!

Bear with one another charitably, in complete selflessness, gentleness and patience. Do all you can to preserve the unity of the Spirit by the peace that binds you together. There is one Body, one Spirit, just as you were all called into one and the same hope when you were called.

In other words put God always first. It makes me think that it is a constant battle for us to have God in the first place no matter what our actual vocation is. "Do all" is that not the same as Emmaus saying God above all? Is it not because of this that there is such an atmosphere of joy and peace in Rome? 

The second bit that struck me was the descriptions of all the various gift God has given us! I notice that the minute I start comparing them with each other I unwittingly establish a hierarchy of values. Not so in God. God does attach more value to preaching or organising or reflecting! In a sense he cannot do without us. It is when we forget that our abilities are not really ours, if we misappropriate them, and start thinking they are more important than God himself, thinking that we have a right to be listened to, because we are the experts, etc that he cannot work through us. I am struck by the fact that each gift can easily become a cross when there is no love. 

The gospel of today is the crown, because it shows God's love for each one of us!! I can be the biggest sinner, make the most mistakes and have given up on myself, thrown in the towel, and yet Jesus hasn't!! He asks me to follow him. God loves me immensely to the extent that he wants me to be with him, as I am "imperfect by human standards"! So, here I am, unable to do much by way of activity, but giving my life for him in my neighbour in the present moment!!He gives me himself, in my neighbour, amongst us I can live with him all day long, if I stay immersed in Him! 

A powerful source of life

Today I was struggling a bit with the concept of doing and being. Three examples made me think about this. The first was a moment in which I had a number of things to do. I had them in my mind and therefore did not want to miss the people after mass. In the process I was not really in the present moment and only greeted some people very fleetingly. In the event the people I was after were engaged in other conversations and then left. The second was in church when the priest at the end of mass said he had to rush away to something else and would not have time to greet people. I noticed that the same priest is always on the move, like a whirlwind! He "does" a lot, and I suspect a lot of very good things! I wondered what is first the ministry or the choice of God? The third example is to do with my involvement with the organisation of a Youth Festival. I noticed how difficult it is to loose, loose my idea, my proposal, my inspiration, in order that God, the Holy Spirit can really be at work! I also noticed that due to my limited health I am no longer able to be involved due to the choice in venue and the lack of lifts. We all want the same good and noble thing, ie that the festival is a real moment of God and yet, it seems to me that we do not let him in to actually guide the festival. It is always us in one form or another, because we don't know how to loose! Loose everything in order that Jesus can be amongst us!

If I am immersed in God, with God at the top of my priority list, does that mean I do nothing? How does my day to day life which is made up of things fit around this. Then sharing these thoughts we found the answers together. If I trust God in the little he will do the big things for me too. So, be love for the person next to me in the present moment means for me to stay there with them, 100% as if they were the only people I need to love. After all I meet Jesus in them! He is my all and I trust he will take care of the things I needed to do, which were after all for him. Regards the priest I can offer the suffering of not being able to speak to him ever for more than a minute. Loving him means not to want to change him, not to want him to become like me, because he is not me! DIM? God will give me an opportunity to meet with him when it is the right moment.

Equally Jesus gave me to understand that it is not I who is the main protagonist, but Jesus! The only thing I have to do is love the others not because I want to change the way it should be done, but because they all are his gift for me. So, if the meeting venue is not suitable for me, or the programme already made up and decisions made by one person, should all this be in the way of the relationship between me and my neighbour. DIM? No, because in that suffering I can love like Jesus did on the cross and he remains the most important thing in my life.

The fact that I may have understood what it means to be constantly immersed in God does not mean I have to foist my understanding on my neighbour! DIM? God loves me and everybody immensely and part of that love is the freedom he gives us. Equally, if I really love my neighbour I have to leave him/her completely free.

The only thing that matters is God in the first place, above all else, God in my neighbour so that he can be amongst us. What a powerful source of life!  

With you every moment of my life

The other day I had a bit of a scare when I had a small seizure. It immediately brought me back to the present moment lived with God! As it turned out the following morning it appears to be quite normal with this condition and the new medication. However you can not help thinking of the tumour advancing with nothing that can be done. During the night I went through the phase of really not liking the condition I am in. I really don't want to get worse and die, I don't want to be in this position when I loose everything and just be in the house! I think this is very real and I suspect I would not be human if I did not feel like this at times. 

However, there is a different take and dimension to all this. I read a meditation by Chiara "Prepare for the hour" in which she describes watching Giosi die. It was horrible in one sense, but so was Jesus dying on the cross! I remembered what I read somewhere yesterday: Love conquers all! All means all! I returned to three important aspects of my life:

• To love always and be outside myself in the present moment. I need to be in the present looking outwards all the time. I will never be at a loss for occasions to love! And the only thing I truly have to love is the present. 
• In order to love always I need to be immersed in God There are so many negatives around me and in me, that the more I am in God speaking with him, thinking first and foremost to do things for him, entrusting things to him, people, joys, sufferings, etc the more I will see the gifts he leaves for me. The challenge then is amongst all the things to do etc, He comes first. Not easy but he will help me in the present. 
• I cannot live my journey on my own if I want to live a collective spirituality of unity. Together we will have Jesus present amongst us if we love one another as he has loved us, as he loves us. Jesus always leaves me free to love him, even when I get it wrong. I need to do the same, not tell others what is right or wrong but simply offering what gift God has given me for that moment! Jesus taught me to love in that way when he died for me on the cross. 

Jesus, allow me to be around a bit longer so that I can live more fully with others immersed in your reality, your life and to bring your love. In the mean time I offer you my life as I did 30 years ago for you to do with as you think best. I am truly blest to be able to live with you present every moment of my life. 

My offerings of love for him

I was reflecting on something I read from the update of the meeting of the delegates in Rome, when Emmaus refers to being immersed in God. I realised that it is very easy to be taken by the day to day small or sometimes big things in my life without maintaining this perspective in God. And often on my own that is very difficult to do, but living together with the same aim, to have Jesus present in our midst it becomes a little easier. So, I get up thanking God for the night, for being alive and still able to love him in my neighbour! I ask him to be the most important person in my life in every moment. Then, to the next present moment. To love means to empty the dishwasher, quietly so as not to wake up the others out of love fro Him in them! Then a moment of reflection not because I always do it, but because I want to start my day with Him for Him. I thank him for my mother and my sister and ask him to keep them safe! So, the conversation continues! 

I realise then how important it is to be immersed in God! There are too many things, also very good and holy things, that come between me and Him. I have understood something important sharing my experience with others: My relationship with God is purely his gift, but it is not the morning and evening prayers, going to church, doing "holy things". All those are ways of supporting that relationship. It's a bit like friendship. Friends become friends because they are open to each other and spend time with each other. There are no "procedures" and through any "procedures" I can't make friends. 

To me it's the same with God. The more time I spent with him the stronger the relationship becomes. For that I can find him everywhere, if I look! But most importantly I can find him in the person next to me in the present moment. How mind blowing is this: A God who loves me!! I am the most fortunate person in the world. I offer him all, the pain of my mother and sister leaving today, the pain of the illness, the joys of his presence, the gift of my brothers and sisters, the marvels of life! They are my offerings of love for him. 

A marvellous life

Today is a special day: The Exaltation of the Holy Cross made me think of the way we look at sanctity, which seems a little bit of a distant concept for me probably because I don't understand it well. However, I have been been struck by the fact that we are going towards sanctity together, by loving one another. At the base of it all is the love of each one for Jesus on the Cross. It is not easy to always have the choice of God present in my life when I can get caught up so quickly in the things of the day, but it is actually the only way to allow him to do his part and for me to be what he wants me to be. DIM (Does it matter) takes on a more profound meaning, in that I know that God comes before anything else. Anything then becomes a means, a vehicle to love more, almost an excuse to establish a relationship of mutual love with my neighbour in the present moment in order that Jesus can be amongst us. I have to give, to donate my idea, my way of doing things, of looking at things, because I think God wants us to do things together. 

But to do this I have to love first of all Jesus on the Cross, I have to love God above all else! It also allows me to really love, ie not to expect anything from the other, not to want things done my way because I know best, not to be attached not even to sharing my experience, but to make sure God in all comes first! Can I do this? Probably not, but the great ting about God's love is that he even helps me with this! Not only that, but I can always start again, no matter what, because his love has really no end, no memory, no expectations and leaves me completely free in each moment. 

This morning talking to someone after mass I was so struck how this love extends in our family of the movement far beyond the rules of this or that. I was struck how before anything else we try to love one another in every moment. That brings a great peace and joy knowing that everything is really in God's hands.

So, united in the present moment, loving one another and marvelling at the gifts God has put next to us in our neighbour makes our journey towards him so much more pleasant! I thank God for this time, this tumour, because of what opportunity he has given me to be closer to him, not in prayer perhaps, but in our midst! He is present because of the biggest gift Chiara has left us: She has opened our eyes, our understanding to the presence of Jesus Forsaken in each moment! The cross is always there, but with it there is always the resurrection. Each moment. What a marvellous life!

The shepherd and the yuppie

Bruno from Germany sent me this little story. It made me laugh!

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new Cherokee Jeep advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out of the window and asked the shepherd,... "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Think Pad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 28 page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says,”You have exactly 452 sheep." "That is correct; take one of the sheep," said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"

"OK, why not," answered the young man.

"Clearly, you're a consultant," said the shepherd.

"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business... Now give me back my dog."

No barriers

It is so true that if I start going a bit beyond my own troubles the smiling become a little easier all the time. I guess it's because I don't focus on myself and my pain, but more importantly I can love Jesus in the present through these moments! It is my way to play together!

These days I am amazed how a small thing like a smile or a hug or anything positive can be so encouraging! Us humans are made to live together! Whilst there seems we do so much harm to each other, I think it is because we are surrounded by so much negativity! Together we can discover and enjoy the gifts we are for each other, we can play together enjoying the present moment despite the pain and suffering! I feel a bit more rotten today, but I am up for playing, because it makes me happy.

Then, God takes care of the rest. It is simply wonderful to see how he loves us. Today I had three very valuable skype calls! One from Germany which taught me how easy it is to play together! It does not take much! Its takes me loving Jesus on the Cross in the smallest thing so that nothing stands between me and the other! Then a call from a dear friend (Bruno) from Australia! What a gift! Nothing complicated, simply an act of love which made sure that Jesus was more alive in us and amongst us. Finally a call from Frank which again was a moment to be together, forgetting everything else. Being in the present! All of those present of the day I offer for the meeting in Rome! We play across the world! There are no barriers!

Is it more important than God

Naked I came from my mother’s womb, naked I shall return. The Lord gave, the Lord has taken back. Blessed be the name of the Lord! If we take happiness from God’s hand, must we not take sorrow too?

This is from my favourite person in the Old Testament, Job! It is just so true! I can't but go back over what I have live in these few months. Everything dear to me has gone and is still going! I can't move as much as I used to, I can't drive. Those who know me a bit know I loved driving! I can't work, those who know me at work also know how much I enjoyed the job, perhaps a little too much! I like to be active doing things, but now a trip to the shops tires me out! Despite all the progress I have made so far there is a definite time limit due to the nature of the illness. Any progress is not really in my control anyway! 

All of these things sound and look rather depressing, but there is another way of looking at this, which you may find unusual and strange. In order to have more time to love my neighbour in a visible way, God wanted me more at home, instead of driving around the place. Just to ensure that I don't replace work with God, he has given me more time to build my relationship with him both on my own and through my neighbour in the present moment! My limits in my activity are perhaps a gift for being more with others and really an understanding that all is a gift from God, not just the good things. 

But whatever I have in the present moment is his love for me, I just need to discover it! Here is where the game together starts, because only together can God's gifts for us in the present moment come alive! What greater gift can there be than a God that loves me!

I often wonder whether I get caught up in many things because I don't really entrust myself to him in those moments when it really counts, ie in the middle of a discussion that is about to get personal, that is going to upset me and allow me to judge the other, rather than seeing the gift he/she is bringing perhaps not in an obvious way! How many times do I still say "THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT" Is it more important then God, my love for him in my neighbour? That's when DIM (does it matter?) comes in very strongly for me! I think John & Maria had a true inspiration! I note again they had it together! Perhaps I see things too much from an extreme position! 

Together

There is nothing that always happens in the same way! This cycle of chemo is very different from the others. My body has suffered much this time. Yesterday I was not even able to write something on FB simply because I could not focus and concentrate. Makes you think how lucky I have been so far. Also makes you see what you can expect. Whilst it is a temptation to worry about the future, it is also true that it is profoundly human!

But that does not stop me from staying in the present and the most important thing for me was not to close myself, because then I will feel sorry for myself, feel alone with many negative thoughts!!!

Instead I went to Mari Ponticaccia's birthday party! It was great for the smiles but also to continue to play together!! They had strawberries as well!! When you play together you smile! What more do we want!!

Actually that is just the tip of the iceberg. What we want really is the presence of Jesus amongst us, which we can only have if we really love one another, going beyond the little niggles, beyond the limitations, the feelings of inadequacies. The less I can do the more I  remind myself of much God loves me! Jesus on the cross was capable of nothing apart from crying out: My God, my God why have you forsaken me!" He was not even loved by anybody except his mum. I want to love him in all the little pains and suffering in the present moment. Then a lot of things become very secondary:Can I eat,did I sleep, what is going to happen next? They don't go away, but first there is God, first there my greatest love. So I am back to DIM (Does it Matter)! Together we found the strength for me to go to the party! 

There is a reason for it all

I found this song by Alison Krauss, which rings a lot of bells which me, because I think it is profoundly true. How lucky I am to be able to go on this road together with others!!  http://youtu.be/FMO8giNalX8

I've seen hard times and I've been told
There isn't any wonder that I fall
Why do we suffer, crossing off the years
There must be a reason for it all

I've trusted in You, Jesus, to save me from my sin
Heaven is the place I call my home
But I keep on getting caught up in this world I'm living in
And Your voice it sometimes fades before I know

Hurtin' brings my heart to You, crying with my need
Depending on Your love to carry me
The love that shed His blood for all the world to see
This must be the reason for it all

Hurtin' brings my heart to You, a fortress in the storm
When what I wrap my heart around is gone
I give my heart so easily to the ruler of this world
When the one who loves me most will give me all

In all the things that cause me pain You give me eyes to see
I do believe but help my unbelief
I've seen hard times and I've been told
There is a reason for it all

Help me to love my neighbour

Yesterday was quite a challenge and so is today all truth be said! First of all there is the physical side. I am on the last day of chemo having taken the tablets last night. It has been by far the worst in terms of nausea, loss of appetite and sleep etc. My tummy seems to have become far more delicate for some reason. I also lack concentration jumping from one thing to another. 

All that forms part of living with Jesus on the Cross. It is quite real, more real than you might think! if I do not go out side of myself and try to love I will go under, I am looking at myself, feel sorry for myself, view everything in a very negative way! My brother and sister allow me the opportunity to go beyond these things and love them, but most of all to love God, putting him first. So, I don't get grumpy when someone asks me how I am! No, it's an opportunity to share. Somebody already said: But that's not easy. Too right! Nobody ever promised it to be easy, but it is the only way to live having God always in the first place. Jesus on the cross did not find it easy, I think, but the gifts he received from the Father in return for his love were immense!

This morning another contemplation of what the love of God for me is: We are all created and loved individually, immensely by God, a God who is love by nature! He cannot be anything else. It became clear to me again this morning how that love expresses itself through my neighbour! I was talking about lots f things that we needed to decide and all seemed important. I was pointing out how I would do things and how it would all be much better for all sorts of reasons. Then I stopped and simply asked myself the question: Do I want to do all these things, or do I want God to do them? Am I in charge of my life or is he? I appreciated how the other person, created and loved my Him the same way as me through their uniqueness were loving me. I need to make my contribution of how I would organise an event, how I would manage a task, e what colour I would paint the room in etc., because God has given me the chance to love my neighbour through that contribution. Then, I let go of it, I "donate it"! God remains the most important thing in my life, my relationship with my neighbour is not dominated by my or her's or his view, but by what we have seen God wants!

I noticed yet again as so many times before, if I am careful that whatever "item" has to be decided upon does not come between me and the other, I have gained much freedom to love.  We are all at peace, we all know that it is not me or somebody else, but it is truly him who guides things. Then whatever anybody says or does becomes a gift from God! Even my failures become part of that love.

It sounds so simple but is at times so difficult especially when you are in the midst of a "discussion". Jesus, help me to always love you in my neighbour in the present moment, especially when I get carried away with my own strong views letting them get in the way of loving in the present moment. 

His presence in my day

This morning I meditated on a theme Chiara gave ​​in June '58 entitled "God." She explains where I find God listing all the various ways he is present. It is amazing how present God is in my day! 

1. He is present in my conscience. I wake up and first of all begin to talk to him in my morning prayer, to re-establish my relationship with him. I meetthank him for the sleepless night, the general malaise and offering all this for our council meeting tomorrow. I thank  him for my life, for the sun, for the health I have, but also tell him how much I love him, "because you are forsaken Jesus ..!" It is my reason to be here. Not a formula, but a real conversation. 
2. I find you in my brother or sister. I go downstairs for breakfast and meet Callan. I share how I tried to live the night as a gift for Jesus. This sharing is not a routine, but it is real, perhaps a bit of an effort, a bit of hard work, because I have not had my coffee yet and am not fully awake, but also because I haven't slept and could be naturally grumpy. But I always find Jesus in the other. 
3. He is in our midst. Always being open and loving everyone without interest, I can live in the light of Jesus in our midst! I am at peace and despite my physical condition there is  always joy and peace. 
4. He is in scripture. When I reflect on some writing it does not take long before something strikes me. Today I was struck by this conversation of Chiara's, but also by a beautiful moment of reflection with Callan yesterday on how to prevent our life becoming a routine full of formulas that we may change from time to time. Do I take the various presence of Jesus, of God in my life for granted? Then as a result do I lose the opportunity to live really well my choice of God above everything, even of my being sick? Then there is the sharing of what God has made me understand. Do I give it away without expecting anything in return? Do I keep it to myself instead of using the communion as means to build relationships and have Jesus present amongst us?
5. Jesus. you are in the Eucharist. I'm so used to going to receive Jesus, mass sometimes becomes a little burdensome: I have to go to Mass! The shorter, the better because we can get on with our lives. A side effect of surgery and medicine is that I can not talk very quickly. I have to say the words one by one. What a gift! I have time to reflect on the prayers in the morning and evening, at mass! Jesus, I want to be with you, you're my everything! How come I am always in a hurry when you're the one who does everything, who guides everything including the movement, your movement? I reflect on the fact that for example, if Emmaus came here now, everybody including me would drop everything to be with her if not for her at least for her role. Why then do I talk to Jesus, who is much closer to me,  much more important in my life, in a hurry, when I can fit him in? Jesus I'm sorry for all the times I've put other things above you!
6. In the ecclesiastical hierarchy. Maybe for me this presence less frequent, but I can always be prepared as last Sunday when I met the auxiliary bishop. I am prepared to respond to Jesus when he asks me how I am, what do I do?

In short, a beautiful meditation and conversion! Jesus, you're still a genius! You give me many opportunities to live with you during the day. Your presence has an effect on my life in the present. 

There is nothing routine, because Jesus leads me to be outside of myself to live and love each person in the present moment, as he did even on the cross! So living in this way even in the most darkest moments I am never alone, because there is always a brother or sister to love and then there is always Jesus present! What a paradise! How can I not be happy, even when physically I am struggling today because of drugs!

Jesus you are a champion

Before leaving Rome I was deeply struck by a phrase of St. John: "He (Jesus) gave His life for us; so we too must give our life for our brothers and sisters" (1Jn 3:16).

I was struck by these words not only because one might expect a different conclusion, like: "If He died for us, then we too must die for Him" (and not for "our brothers and sisters" - as it is written), but also because this invitation to love to the point of dying for our brothers and sisters appeared to me to be something strong, precisely because of this measure of giving one's life.

Jesus gave his life for me, out of love for me, without looking if I deserve such a great gift! For him it is natural to love giving his life without looking! Not only that, but for him, God it is natural to give his life for me, a creature! I begin to understand the immensity of his love for me! How can I begin to respond such great a love! Of course it is impossible to be more generous than God's love! But his generosity does not end there. 

We give our lives for our brothers and sisters as a response to God's love for us. By doing so he still gives us his presence among us, and  gets us go together to him. I live in a focolare, the invention of God, with the Trinity! I, a creature with God, one and three, because he is crazy in love with me! This in itself is mind boggling. I cannot begin to understand such a gift!

On the one hand how can I live with a love that almost crushes me! On the other hand how can I not be happy knowing that every day of my life I am loved! 

So, another sleepless night, another day of general malaise, another day of fatigue and limited strength, what are they in comparison to the love of God for me? Another day of having to decide "important things", wanting to make it clear to the others that I have a different vision of things and that my perspective is the best and most logic!, Another day where slowly things  I deal with rise above my choice of God and come between me and my brother or sister! Moments in which I feel sorry for myself because I have a brain tumour and will die. In those moments I don't live the present and I don't love my neighbour. More importantly: What are all these things big or small in comparison to God's love for me?

Do I really live the Gospel in the radical manner I used, putting God above all things, not only in words. Or do I put God first, hoping that by doing so he heals me, he takes away my tumour? How many times have I put God first for my own interest, so that he make the other come round to my way of thinking or doing. Perhaps I love the other because I want him or her to understand that my way of doing things is the best!

Instead, our way is not individual. We go to God together, I lost everything, my life given to God, not only spiritually, but concretely given to God in my brother or sister in the present in the smallest things! My love for my neighbour makes me appreciate that we are a gift for one another as my friend who asked me how I was today. By telling her how I spent my night I had to laugh at myself! In our being different we enrich each other. 

Then Jesus comes to stay with me, with us. There is peace and joy, and before doing anything we ask ourselves: DIM (Does it matter?) What seem to be important matters become an excuse for loving one another. Jesus, you are a champion! Thank you that I can give my life for you today, I thank you that I can be free to love you in the the greatest moment of pain today, thank you for your immense love! 

But if you don't love me, who will

The expression and perhaps even the concept of "doing the will of God" as we say has always appeared to be very tight, very limited. It gave me a picture of a God, director of a movie or a theatre piece, who always tells everyone what they must do. We also find an excuse not to do one thing or the other because it was not the will of God. It's my view of things but I think it is nonetheless valid although perhaps not right! I always found it difficult to see that I had a choice. Then reading an something Emmaus said, made me realize that "doing the will of God" is much more dynamic. I was reminded that God is always new, his love for me is never expressed in the same way! Maybe my mental categories are not flexible enough to accommodate this love! I find that loving my neighbour in the present moment, being open to what God puts in front of me,  I actually do what he wants: Loving him in my neighbour, choosing him above all. I see that this is only possible if I chose Jesus Forsaken as my all and I go with the other to God who loves us immensely!

So today the phrase "But if you don't love me, who will?" is very strong for me! After a sleepless night I got up feeling worse than ever during this period. So far, my condition has not brought me physical pain,  thank God! But now the discomfort is very strong. The great temptation is to think immediately about myself: I have to stay in bed, I can not do anything, poor me, I call the doctor asking to give me something, etc, etc.. But no! Just share your state of health with the others without expecting anything and offer everything for the next meeting of the Council! In this offer there is also the pain of my physical limitation: I can no longer do what I used to. However, I am at peace because God certainly does not love me less for the possibility of reduced activity!

Therefore I carry on loving the person on the phone, being 100% in the present! Do some work aournd the house according to my ability, rest well, but above all always be open to what God puts in front of me. I am grateful to God that I am so well, that I can even fly now! That I can love him in every neighbor in the present moment, but most of all that I can go on my holy journey together with others to make a contribution. I can say even amid the suffering: Jesus let us make three tents, it is wonderful to be with you!

Does it matter

I was reflecting  on the concept of sanctity today reading a talk on the subject given by Chiara in 1981 in London. Here she understood that we must become Saints together. I must admit the idea of becoming a Saint has always puzzled me. Not really sure how to go about this until I reflected on what Chiara said. It's not something I must do, its something God does in response to my love for him and my neighbour. As Emmaus says, first of all, above all else I have to chose God, to chose to love him in my neighbour in the present moment. So, when I get up, above all I live and do things for my greatest love in life: Jesus on the Cross, my only good. In him I have chosen God every moment of the day. So, this morning I got up not feeling great having had little sleep, with no or little appetite, my stomach not working properly, in danger of feeling sorry for myself, not really wanting to go to hospital, certainly not wanting to start another round of chemo! But all of these things I can actively offer to my greatest love in life wrapped as presents thanking him for being alive, for the sun shine, for his presence amongst us, for his special love today. 

The second thing that gave me great joy was Chiara's realisation that we have to live in communion. Emmaus confirmed the same for me in the early days of this particular part of my holy journey. Facebook, blogs, communion of my reflections are not some "mechanism" or "procedure". I realise that I cannot keep for myself what God has given me as a gift. These are his expression of his love for me, which I have to share to be free to love him. Is it not a miracle to see how amidst what seems so negative, He will always find a purpose, an excuse to be amongst us! With him in our midst how can I complain? How can I be unhappy if he is with me? DIM comes to mind again! Many things I have to ask myself: DIM (Does it Matter)?

Everything is possible

When I came to you, brothers, it was not with any show of oratory or philosophy, but simply to tell you what God had guaranteed. During my stay with you, the only knowledge I claimed to have was about Jesus, and only about him as the crucified Christ. Far from relying on any power of my own, I came among you in great ‘fear and trembling’ and in my speeches and the sermons that I gave, there were none of the arguments that belong to philosophy; only a demonstration of the power of the Spirit. And I did this so that your faith should not depend on human philosophy but on the power of God.

I was struck by the first reading of the Mass today! I have not arrived at this point in my life with all the graces and all the gifts because of my merit, my skills or because I was  capable and good. No, I am here in this situation mainly because we listened to the Holy Spirit, together! The game continues in the present dell'amarsi! Jesus how can I be sad if you're with me in this way!

I came among you in great ‘fear and trembling’. So, you can do with me what matters in this moment. Jesus, I'm learning more and more to really love my limitations and the limitations of others! With the love that supports all, is patient and hopes beyond everything. I do not care about nothing but to love, to play with my neighbour in the  present moment!

Everything becomes an excuse to love more. Everything practical becomes important as an expression of mutual love and so the presence of God among us increases. For example, the fact that the breakdown of the connection to the internet is not only a pain, but it is also an opportunity to communicate with one another for a moment! It is sometimes difficult to see things in this light when they happen! But because of my love to Jesus Forsaken everything is possible.

Let's play together

I noticed that I am finding it difficult at time to concentrate, to live fully the present moment. This is partly due to the medication I am taking, and one remedy is to do things slower! So, I need to slow down! This is really good, because it makes me live more fully the present moment.  Today I came across a meditation by Chiara entitled: "For Our Hour" (29/11/01) It is simply marvellous. She was thinking of how best to prepare for that hour of her going to meet Jesus and mentioned the way Luminosa did live her illness, fully in the present!

I remembered Luminosa, our extraordinary focolarina from Argentina. When she was very seriously ill and realised that she was nearing the end of her life, she took as a norm to live by: “Keep on playing”. She did this so as to imitate a saint who had been asked, while he was playing, what he would do if he learned that he was soon to die, and had replied: “I would keep on playing.” (...)

So Luminosa hadn’t thought about afterwards. She hadn’t meditated on what would come afterwards in order to prepare herself for her HOUR. She had lived the present moment with the greatest intensity.

I could identify with the keep on playing in the present moment. I thank God for giving me this enormous present of the moment! 

But in addition to Chiara's experience I dare to add something else: Chiara seems to look at the life of the present moment mostly from an individual aspect. How do I live for my hour? I noticed that, if I lived intensely in the present moment loving the person next to me in that moment we travel to together and my living for that hour becomes our living for that hour. 

It is such a great gift to stay in the present! Together we can help each other to stay in that present moment and together we also have Jesus with us! 

To stay with the play, it is not much fun to play a game on your own. I am ready then to carry on playing together. Let's always play together. 

Thank you, for being with me always.

Meditating on the Word of Life of this month Jesus gave me so much joy. I remembered yesterday, the brief conversation  with Callan, with our Argentine friends passing through! Not forgetting the friends enquiring whether I needed a lift to the church. Then there were the messages from our friends in Budapest! All this was the expression of God's  love in the present moment.

But most of all I was struck by the realisation from the conversation with Callan that in our family of the Opera it is really true that love comes before everything, not just theoretically but in practical things! It is out of love that we do something in one way rather than another. So rather than do things more logical, more just, more practical we do things as an expression of love to my neighbour in the present moment. This in itself already is revolutionary! And to us it comes natural. So I really do not care about the things themselves, but, I care whether it is love for the other.

As the WOL says, it's enough to love. It is in these moments that my choice of God above everything else has, just love. How others do it certainly for me, I do too, for them, not because they do it, but because it is what Jesus wants. I went to work and I think with many colleagues a different relationship was born; more beautiful; more essential. In the evening one of my staff called me to ask for advice. Seeing and concentrating on the positive, on the things that we might do well we were able to see a little 'light. After a busy day being tired I was able to continue to love, to be outside of myself.

This morning at mass I was struck by the idea that the biggest gift God has given me is ...me! He made me uniquely, as a gift to my neighbour in the present moment. He made me also with certain talents to be used for him. But most of all he made me to become fully me when I am in relationships of mutual love with others, when I have chosen him as my only good above all else, when I live with him Forsaken and in our midst. 

In the evening I realized again God comes first! Where is love then there is always pain, be detached even from the gifts of God.  Then Jesus, I always come back to living in the present moment with you my greatest love: you're hidden in the strangest places.

Thank you, for being with me always. 

Not because of me...

Reflecting on the importance of the present moment, I have realised just how powerful that idea is, not just for me in my situation but generally. I got two books by Anthony de Mello entitled "Awareness" and "The Way to Love", which pointed me to the present moment in a powerful way. I have the impression that the author concentrates a lot on what I should do to become more aware and open, working on bits and piece in me that are not. I found this rather tedious and depressing, but it also pointed very powerfully to the life of the present moment. 

I only have this moment in my life and I can chose to give it to God and let him act through circumstances and through other people shaping my life. My effort and, I ask his help for this every morning, it be free of the things I might be attached to because I think they are important, vital and cannot be left out, they are "must be done". I realise that I can be free of them if I truly choose God above everything else, yes everything. I must go to the hospital and can't speak to you now. Is the hospital more important than God in that moment? If I don't speak to you, rush to the station and find the train has been cancelled, does that not tell me something? Or we agree a plan of action on a particular topic, in that present moment it is the best possible option. Later other factors come into plan necessitating to review the plan. Am I totally free to welcome the new suggestion? 

I know that all this may sound sensible in theory, but I also know that I find this very difficult at times. I even find it difficult that someone can see the same thing in a totally different perspective!! So, I need to be free from my understanding of living the present moment! Impossible? Perhaps for me, but not for God. So, here enters DIM (does it matter). In order to be free, free to love, truly love without any agenda, interest, nothing Jesus will need to purify my intention through my neighbour. 

What's important? To love you is important! Not the colour of the carpet, not that fact that I think the other always gets his/her way, not that I always have to give in, no. I have loved and I am freed to understand what God wants in this present moment! 

Jesus Forsaken, your are my only good, and only because you are I can be free, free to love in the present moment! But even in the moments I don't manage, you manage for me, because your love for me never diminishes! You are there always and that is why it is possible to live the present moment, not because of me, but because of you!!!! Then the impossible thing happens: The life of the Trinity is amongst us, on this earth! There is nothing bigger than that!!

With Jesus what can go wrong!

Yesterday I had a surprise consultation, which should have been next week. For first time I saw my brain on the scan. I didn't realise it was so big!!! Anyway, the tumour is a tiny dot and again I realised how much this is God's gift when the consultant said that the fact the treatment is working is not to be taken for granted. In some cases it does not work. 

So far the plan of controlling the tumour works. It does not change the fact that it can come back any time! equally it seems that the trail drug us stimulating my immune system to fight the tumour cells. They have now agreed to extend the trial and bring the second stage forward. There are still a lot of questions and still research to be done, but again another gift from God. Throughout the afternoon God would look after me well by sending Mike L to be with me. What a gift. Despite me loosing the thread of the conversation at times, or getting tired because of the drugs etc, he was there always. It reminded me of God's love who is always there! Jesus a very precious gift. 

At times like this I am so much aware of the fact that I never got to this point because of my own merits! First of all, everything is a gift from God, it is his love for, as it was his love for me to receive this tumour. These occasions make me think of how important it is not to  mistake the gifts of God for God. Even above all this I still choose him as the love of my life. Jesus on the cross is the expression of that. And there was an immediate occasion. I was tired coming home and we had guests. An old friend whom I haven't seen for more than 30 years was there. I stayed with him simply to love despite the tiredness. Then a  long phone call with a friend. Concentrate on the present! Loose what I want to do. This morning I woke very tired. I got up although I could stay in bed all day! Secondly, because of my choice of Jesus on the Cross I can live this experience with others. I am so grateful for the gift of Maria and Stacey, because together we can live the present well. And when it goes pear shaped we start again. Important for me is that we can share the journey! With Jesus what can go wrong!

In the present moment this all is a great gift and there were lot's of smiles! Now more than ever it is important to stay in the present. I dedicate this progress to my friend Uli who died recently!

Jesus, thank you for all the gifts you give me in the present. Still I cannot get over the fact that you love us so much that you want to be with us!

Darkness & Light

I'm living moments of deep darkness and dazzling light! It sounds like a contradiction, but it is not! Uli's and Vale's move to paradise have touched me deeply and yesterday I found it hard to stay in the present as I kept thinking how will it be for me when I have to go to meet Jesus! I even had to terminate a skype call with my sister so much was I outside the present moment! The stomach pains, insomnia due to medicines, a general malaise occupied me more than the love of my neighbour. God was not my one and only choice! It was like entering a tunnel without end! I cried, but they were tears of the old man, who was full of regrets of the past.  They were tears of fear for the future, tears of someone who trusts himself than God, tears of someone who  lives in the future and therefore is losing God's gift in the present! So, I have to start again! Reading some of Chiara's answers it becomes clear to me that the answer could have been written for me:

The Words of Jesus (and therefore all our Ideal) are the top as they are the base. In fact they are the words of Jesus the God-man, very human and very simple, divine and very profound at the same time, light for all. Love is a universal law, is the life of the Trinity and of any living thing however smalll, so there isn't only the ABC. There is also the Z (...) No, there is only one  beautiful, amiable, attractive, useful, luminous thing. It is what God wants from you in the present moment.

To get to there I found help from Chiara when she spoke at the Genfest 1980:

The fact is that he, who is God, did not consider this a privilege only for himself but wanted to share it with us, and for this he took upon himself our limitations, was persecuted, sentenced to death, he cried almost in despair, "My God, my God why have you forsaken me? "

This is our God, a God of Love who gave His life for us. (...)

Then I look at this God who loves me and so I decided to love him in his own way, risking everything.

I know, we are not going to make it a thousand times over, a thousand times we betray him, but we will not be defeated, because he has already won for us: we do not want to stay defeated ...

It strikes me that is not a solitary way to God, as I still keep thinking at times, but a communitarian way. While speaking with Uli's husband for more than two hours I forgot about myself, because I loved him in the present moment. Every time I answered the phone was an opportunity to choose to love God above all and then express that choice in my love of my neighbour in the present moment. So talking to Nino and Angela with this attitude God made me realize again the importance of sharing my gifts with others, so that we are really going to God together! There is light generated by the exclusive love for God at all times for our individual paths  For me it is always a challenge to give first place to God! There is always the temptation to be too busy and therefore there is no time. I see that for me this is a huge temptation which leaves God outside of my world!

Jesus, thank you for your love, for your love through my neighbour in the present moment. I love you above all else; more than myself. Help me to choose you above all things at all times!

Then I will come back to you full of gifts, to have another day to be able to love and to have you in our midst! The sun, the health that still allows me to do many things. So where is the darkness? It does not exist because there is you! Loving GA, not expecting anything in return has turned darkness into bright light! 

Jesus present amongst us

I am always amazed at the way God loves us and we continue to miss it, or better I continue to miss it! Yesterday the friend I mentioned went to heaven. The loss affected me in more than one way and for the best part of the day I was struggling. It was too close to the bone. The temptation was to keep it to myself because I don't want to be a burden, because nobody will be interested, because its confidential, because...because...because. Very good and plausible reasons not to communicated, not to be in communion with the others. 

What happened? I am suddenly alone cut off by my own choice! Living the opposite I want to live not for any bad move on my part, but for really plausible reasons. I become agitated, lose the peace, do not live in the present, start worrying. 

Then I think of the dream team not to unburden myself, but to put in common what God is doing right now within me. I want to love, that is not to expect anything in return. I need the dream team so that we can go together on this part of the journey, because together we are strong in loving in the present moment. But if God wants me to go it alone, that's fine too, because he come before anything else. 

Suddenly peace returns. I live the present moment attentive to others. Then a friend arrives and we spend much talking, putting in common what God does in each one of us, the joys and the pains. He is a real gift for me! 

I go to bed with Jesus amongst us, in peace. I wake up this morning having slept only four hours with a stomach upset due to the medication, feeling a bit grumpy! And I can offer all that for my friend's husband and child in South Africa. 

Jesus, I thank you for being here in the present!

The dream team

I realize how important it is that we do not suffer alone! Yesterday I received the news of a friend who is very seriously ill. In fact she is dying. Her husband naturally finds it all very difficult especially because it does not make sense.  I wanted to do something to make it all go away, but ... I do not know how. Then I discovered that communicating this moment that reminded me of my mortality in a very acute and profound way with Frank, Maria and some friends others was a key. When you can do nothing but say that you think of the other person and live, dedicate your present life to him or her, again you become aware that many things really are not as important as they seem! It is in that moment that Jesus on the cross is really close! Jesus, the powerless, the one who is unable to take away the pain, the one in apparently senseless pain!!

Be in some way together with one another in those moments is terrific, because it never stops me from loving from being outside myself, perhaps with great effort, but nonetheless! Whilst I can't suffer the same pain, because each one of us is alone in that, at least I can make it easier by being along side, perhaps in silence! Mary under the cross was simply there and I am sure it made all the difference to Jesus on the cross. She, St John and Jesus were the dream team then, Maria, Stacey, me and Jesus are the dream team now. No grand activity, but simple being there for each other now as then! I am sure that we are truly "made" to be with others in the joys and deepest sorrows. 

Loving Jesus in these moments I still manage to discover the gifts of love God gives us in these moments, such as the immensity of his love for me (true value of life in the present), the chance of my love for him in the present, the immense gift of his presence amongst us (value of friendship), the chance of becoming saints together (meaning of travelling together). In the midst of the difficulty I find myself smiling for these beautiful gifts. So even if some times through tears I can always honestly say:  Jesus you are my only good!!Life is beautiful

Teamwork

I was thinking that living in the present is a bit like being on a conveyor belt lighting candles that come past. If I concentrate on each candle I can light it. The more candles I light the more there is light. But every now and again I get distracted by the shape of the candle, or its colour. So I miss the next one. If I run after it, I will miss even more and there is less light! So, I have to stay put and starting again I light every candle that comes past me. Is that not living the present well? If we failed one moment, let's not worry. Does it matter, or short DIM? I got this from a friend who is well practised in this. Any time she and her husband are at risk of worrying, or missing something, or getting worked up about something, DIM does the job. Thanks Maria & John Walsh! 

If I have chosen the greatest thing on earth, ie God who is love, is there anything that matters more than that? Promptly I am put to the test with some not so good news about a friend. I cannot do anything practical in my condition, except worry. Or I can make sure I light those candle every moment for her, to root for her, to live my life for her! Loving the other means also to offer my little suffering as a token of my love for Jesus Forsaken. I have asked the help of the dream team, (Maria and Stacey)! By doing this I discovered how we are linked not by our suffering but by the presence of Jesus in our Midst, by the love God has for each of us and by the love we each have for Jesus on the cross. What a team, put together by God. Truly invincible.  

A great opportunity

Today I am struck by the thought that we are "designed" to interact with others. I can not think of any action that does not involve or has an effect on another person. Even when it seems that I act alone this is still true! 

Chiara speaks of a collective spirituality which is founded on the choice of God above everything else by the individuals who live it. This choice is expressed in our choice of Jesus on the Cross. Whilst I make this choice first of all in my own heart, it leads me to love my brother and sister and thereby Jesus lives amongst us. What a great gift this is! 

The second important bit of the collective spirituality is the travelling together. Each one  on their Holy Journey, of which perhaps for a short distance we go together, then in the next present moment I travel with someone else. Thus, today I travelled briefly with my mother, my brother, with colleagues at work, with friends, the window cleaner and the postie. So rather than see others as "inconvenience" or someone who disturbs me, I discover the hidden treasures in person I deal with in the present moment! But most of all I can discover the way God loves me through that neighbour. Sometimes it is easy to discover, sometimes that love is more hidden. 

How many gifts are waiting for me! This is the revolution: To aim to live with the Trinity amongst us transforming all relationships into love! What a bomb this is! God amongst men and women! The only thing I need to do, put him above everything else, which I can by just reminding myself each morning and each evening: 

Because you are Forsaken Jesus, because you are Desolate Mary, I offer you this day. As Jesus and Mary loved God the Father above all, even in the most extreme suffering so can I! What a great opportunity!

And each surprise makes me smile. We are going our road together for a while, be it a moment or longer! So I am never alone! Beautiful. If I feel alone, it's because I can not see the treasures hidden in the others! Today then I want to find and count these gifts. I bet there will be lots of smiles!

God cannot be outdone in generosity

I was tempted to reflect on how best spend my limited time, and was so pleased when I was able to dismiss those thoughts in favour of living in the present. I sensed that for me there is a danger to get bogged down with thoughts of that kind. 

All the more I was pleased to see how Chiara dealt with this. It was so refreshing first of all to see here redefining death as her meeting with Jesus. I want to be at my best for my meeting with Jesus! All in order, having overcome some of these bad bits in my character, being always loving and kind, perfect as the heavenly father is perfect! But there are a few snags: 

First of all, my life belongs to Jesus Forsaken. He has never left me and will not leave no matter what I do. What a gift!! No matter what he will be there! God who is faithful in his love for me!!Jesus you are my only good! 

Secondly, is it in my power to get there? What is impossible to us is possible to God. God loves me enormously. He, in his love knows what's best for me. So, why not just o out love the person he puts next to me in the present moment?

Thirdly, in concentrating on all of these improvements, I don't really live the present moment, I don't love the person Jesus puts next to me in the present and who may just be the key to my meeting with Him. 

Fourthly, as part of this marvellous family we are going to God together! I chose to respond to Gods love by loving him above anything else, anything also my getting to Paradise. Nothing will stand between me and my love for God. I love him in the people around me. Perhaps with Jesus amongst us it is easier for all of us to get there!

God is teaching me some really healthy, simple lessons and I wished I had learnt them earlier, but again, lets stay in the present. I was reflecting on how much energy I waste sometimes to prove that I am right or to defend a position taken. As if my life depended on it!! The only effect it seems to have is to put strain on the relationship with the other person...for no good reason. I then need to worry about repairing the damage! In the present there is only one important thing: The person next to me whom I need to discover as gift for me!. Therein also lies the answer to my quest about the rest of my time: It will be a time of countless present moments, each full of presents, unexpected gifts and...much joy!! God cannot be outdone in generosity!

Your love for me

In order to welcome in ourselves the All it is necessary to be nothing as Jesus Forsaken. (...) It is necessary to be in front of everyone in an attitude of learning also because we really have to learn from others.

I understood these days what it actually means to be nothing. It is not just nothing as in denying my abilities, the talents God has given me. It is not the attitude of "I am not worthy and have nothing to say or contribute". It is not the attitude of "I rather not say anything because I am not as capable as the others". All attitudes I once held in the belief that God wanted me to be more humble. In these days I learnt what humility really is: First of all my hosts! The ability to simply love by deeds, in the small things, the cup of coffee, share the daily struggles not as giving lectures of life, but simply without fuss trying each day together to understand that God loves us immensely! But most of all never to give up loving each other even if the other some time drive you up the wall. Secondly, I went to visit a convent of the Poor Clare's. I had the impression of entering a bit of Paradise! The serenity  freedom and joy was tangible. This is what I want: free from everything to live for God!

Anyway to be nothing means really to be an active "nothing", a "nothing" that loves and is love. And I have experienced this in practice on Saturday when a few of us got together: In order to love I have to offer my opinion, I can offer my insights but once offered they are no longer mine. Instead of looking at my view or your view t then becomes and us, and our view, and the whole conversation becomes almost a by product of the most important thing: to love one another! I still find this very difficult because I can get all consumed in a good argument and quickly forget the other person! Equally I can get all wrapped up in some nice moments with people without putting them at the centre. So, I ask myself: Is there anything more important to come between me and the relationship with my neighbour? I can't think of anything! So, I carry on loving in the present moment, living for the other being that nothingness of love. 

Jesus how I thnk you for all your gifts, but most of all for your love for me! 

To love in the present

Today I am finding it really difficult to focus, to live the present moment. I suppose part of this is to do with the fact that I had a very good night's sleep and I am very chuffed with progress on the eating front. In the moment I am into toast and I had loads of it, but more so yesterday I had a plate of pasta!! Is it the change of environment, is it the food, is it the recovery process from the chemo? It doesn't really matter. It is a gift from God. 

So, back to the present moment leaving things behind and loving my neighbour. I have offer to look at some computers and I will do that ...as an act of love. 

Jesus, thank you for today, thank you for your help to make sure that I remain always focussed on you. Today you ask to forgive one another so that the Father will forgive us. I understood that love only knows love. So, if I love by forgiving my neighbour, God who is love can see that. If I don't forgive, I don't love, and God can't see, so he can't forgive me! It's quite strong this, and easy to forget in the hustle and bustle of the day.

Strawberries

A man was walking through a field when he encountered a tiger. He ran off, closely followed by the tiger. When the man reached a precipice, in his desperation he clung to the root of a wild vine and was left dangling over the edge. The tiger sniffed at him from above. Trembling, the man looked down, where, at the bottom of the abyss, another tiger was waiting to devour him. Only the root of the vine was holding him. Then two mice, one white and one black, little by little began to gnaw on the vine. At this point the man saw beside him a beautiful wild strawberry. Grasping the vine with one hand, he took the strawberry with the other. Oh, how sweet is was!

I really liked this! In the midst of the greatest disaster God will always show his love in a small way that has to be discovered. Let discover a few strawberries today! 

You are my only good

Yesterday I went to an event at the Olympics and I was struck by three things:

1. The determination of all the athletes focussed to such an extent that they were oblivious to what was going on around them. It made me think: Am I as focussed loving my neighbour in the present moment? Or get I distracted by many things that intrude into that moment?
2. Even though they ran in the race and were visible, each athlete was an expression of many others behind the scenes. If all went well all were happy, if things did not work out all were concerned. The working together was an expression of communion. Even though it was for one purpose only, how much more could I achieve if I live in communion with the other: We would bring the Trinity to the world!!
3. Finally I was struck that in interviews the individual never spoke of their own achievements, but they were very conscious of the hidden work of many others! Am I conscious of our collective sanctity? Its not who is going to God but us!

A good lesson for me, anyway. 

The "more" is God, and it was he who chose us, that he calls us to be his collaborators. What more do we want? And that's why we're not even thinking: "But is it better now? Was it better yesterday? Will be better tomorrow?". The moment of God is the best. God is always present, there is no before and after, there is no yesterday and tomorrow for God, as there is for us. But God is always present, God works, God is working in history, God is working in the history of each one of us, in the history of our Movement, in the history of the Church, in the history of the churches in the history of humanity, and he honours us by calling us to be his collaborators. What more do we want? Let us feel rich, lucky for this wonderful thing that has happened, that happened to us, because we too, maybe we could say: "But I, yes, of course, my whole life is a commitment, right (...) I work for God, I promise, I give everything to God. "But here we must be aware that God is the all of our lives, not even the commitment to him, not even giving the day or live for the Opera with all our selves. No, the most important person is God, first of all there is God!

Emmaus was talking to the focolarine in Rome. But nevertheless, if God is not at the centre of my life, that is love my neighbour, than other things will be. So for me today: you are my only good! 

God amongst humanity

I realised over the past two days how important it is to have Jesus in our Midst. Actually, I realised that it is the most important aspect of our life! How often do I get distracted by the details of my life without putting it into the right perspective. 

God has given me, us, the biggest gift he could: His love. His love above everything all the details of my daily life, whether I am ill or well, hungry or satisfied, full of joy or sad, right or wrong, a master or a disaster. I believe that all these things can be a means to love, a means to increase the presence of Jesus amongst us. I offer them to Jesus to increase the love amongst us, so that he is present! Its a difficult thing sometimes, but alone we can do nothing. Together, with Jesus in our Midst, everything is possible! 

In these days it is a constant lesson for me to understand that whilst putting my opinion, experience or concerns to others, it always has to be as a gift. I express them, and then I have them no longer, because I have given them, and I am free, totally free to listen to the other. The miracle happens every time when both of us live like this, because the only thing that matters is Jesus amongst us. That is such a new way to do things that it is very powerful, because it is not me or you, but really Jesus who moves things on. How powerful is that! God amongst humanity!

In the present

I found this definition by Chiara  of what it means to love! Back to basics! Such a simple thing can produce such great effects, namely the presence of a God amongst us!! I keep think if we all lived like this we would be in Paradise. But if only a small group of us lived like this then Paradise, the life of the Trinity would be amongst us!! Mind blowing. 

Loving someone does not mean sentimentality. To love someone is to do to others as we would have done to us This is the gospel. For example, if I had a pain I would like to be comforted, if I had a doubt I'd like to be reassured, if I were ignorant, I'd wish someone would instruct me, if I needed any clothes I'd wish someone would get me some, if I was sick I'd wish someone would visit me, if I were hungry, thirsty, I'd like someone to bring me some food. Even if you were in joy I wish someone shared it with me, because a joy shared is a joy multiplied. Loving someone means, therefore, do to others what you would want done to oneself, and at the same time to love someone is not to do to others what you would not want done to oneself. For example, I would not like to be hated, forgotten, abandoned, slandered, so I ought not to slander, or leave, I must not do to others what I do not want done to me. This is to love someone.

I will truly enter the life of God, who is love. Hence our spirituality has to be communitarian, because the life of God is "communitarian". All this I live in the present moment and again Chiara has a simple definition: 

If Scripture teaches us to do the small things well, this is precisely the characteristic of who does nothing else but what God asks of him in this present moment.

If one lives in the present, God lives in him and if God is in him, love is in him. Who lives in the present is patient and persevering, is meek, poor, pure, merciful, because s/he has love in its highest and genuine expression. S/he truly loves God with all his/her heart, soul, strength and is illuminated from within, is guided by the Holy Spirit. The person living the present does not judge, thinks no evil, love one's neighbour as oneself, has the strength of the evangelical madness of turning the other cheek, or to go the extra mile ...

It 's often the occasion to "give to Caesar what is Caesar's" because many times must fully live his life as a citizen ... and so on.

I mean, who lives in the present is in Christ, Truth.

Apologies for the rough translation. It is so beautiful, because it is so true. I only have the present and therefore can only be truly happy if I am in the present, because all that is good, positive for me I find in the present!! i realise that this is not easy, but it is possible!

Jesus make me stay in the present always. Make me love in the present always. 

Jesus amongst us

In the last few days I have become much more aware of the beauty of life, because we all can give in small ways. I notice that nothing happens in a big way unless there are many small contributions. I was thinking today for moment that I would want to be around this place a bit longer until I spoke to a good friend who has just accompanied her mother to paradise. It dawned on me that I am made for life with God! He wants me in paradise, he wants us in paradise! Perhaps I got too used to this world of suffering and imperfections that I can't imagine anything better. Would I want to live here forever? Certainly not!

It is very true that we are made to travel together. The more I go ahead the more I become aware of this! It is my neighbour who gives me life really. And I can do the same even now. This morning I had a text from someone who then was considering leaving her family. I shared this with a friend and by living together for this person by evening I had a text saying that my reply had really helped. It wasn't really my reply. It really was our reply! The friend I shared this with gave me so much light in a simple way to know what to say.

Then in the evening I had another communication from a friend. Here is a bit of the dialogue:

Friend: X going into hosp this morning. She has developed fluid again around her lungs but this time it is pressing on her heart causing her breathing difficulties and these incredibly painful spasms just below her ribs. poor girl can't think clearly. I wonder when this sodding thing will give us a break. Things are really hard at the minute.

Me: Y, I can imagine a little how it must be. Listening to you and her I wished I could do something. The only thing that comes to mind is thinking of you both and hope you can have the strength to stay in the present. right now its all you have! Its a long haul! I am with both of you!

Friend: Thanks mate. That means a lot.

Me: You are never alone, mate. I will always be there if only in spirit. Together we make it!

Friend: Absolutely!!

Then a long conversation with my brother. A real gift! I am privileged twice, because of a great brother and because we can have Jesus amongst us. Every one of the people today have given me something precious, something that has made me the person I am. 

Jesus, suddenly everything makes sense.You are with me all the time. I just need to believe it and find you in my neighbour in the present moment! You are a constant gift to us, if we love one another above all else. How mind blowing is this: To have a God amongst us!

I came across a marvellous song, a Gregorian chant written by St Thomas Aquinas. This version is very moving (http://youtu.be/r3H5f7oePQE). It talks about the wonder of the presence of Jesus in the Eucharist. 

I am human

Yesterday evening I was in a real black hole. I didn't want all this any more! For a minute or two it all seemed too much: The fact there is no cure, the fear of losing everything, why oh why? Then I went to bed tired. 

Today I realised again how lucky I am! I have God! I have Jesus right next to me, and if I love and be outside myself I have Jesus in the midst. even in the very suffering i find Jesus: It is unbelievable! I was listening to some music I found on the internet. It was pure genius! How some people can produce such harmonies! It is a real gift! It was talking about God: You are beautiful! I leave you the link   http://youtu.be/PJD_zfQ7cpk .

In the afternoon I had the most mind blowing visit from a staff member! We shared our experience of the love of God for each one of of us. There was a real meeting of minds!   a real gift. Another gift was a phone call with an uncle who has been out of touch for nearly 20 years due to a falling out. We talked for over 30mins! It was so simple! Just pick up the phone! Why did it take me so long? 

Now the questions have gone, I am smiling again enjoying each present moment. I am sure it was because I did not dwell on my fears and questions but did things for others. Once I was loving Jesus in my neighbour despite the suffering I was able to live the present moment. I am so glad I am human! 

Thanks for all your love

If we are united Jesus is among us. (...) And then we live the life that He gives us, moment by moment. It is the fundamental commandment of fraternal charity: "Ante omnia ..." (cf. 1 Pet 4.8). So all has value that is an expression of sincere brotherly love. Nothing has value if in it there is not  the sentiment of love for the brethren: for God is Father and has in his heart always and only his children. (Chiara)

Chiara's reflection is very beautiful It seems very simple but at the same time a great challenge, because it depends not only on me but on us that there is mutual love and therefore the presence of Jesus amongst us.
Yesterday I had a day full of challenges to mutual love. First of all, Frank was in the hospital for some test. A sudden change and a challenge to believe in God's love for us. I offered my day for Frank in particular. I saw that God always takes me seriously when I offer him anything. At the same time that Frank had the medical examination I was talking to my bosses about my future at work. It seemed very clear in my head that returning to work full time as before was not possible. Even to go back part time seems in doubt. I felt that God was asking me to leave work, to give it to him as a gift. If you give someone a gift you don't have it any more, because you have given it away. It was an addition to the list of gifts in these last few months: First there is my health, then my independence, then the various activities that I am not able to follow through, then the driving licence, then the taste for food, then the job! All things that I like very much!
Jesus, I may not have always willingly made you all these gifts. So here is my chance: All is yours. Then I got the hundredfold: I'm still pretty good without pain! I live with you in our midst here at home free from many things! You gave me the opportunity to live and do small things for the Opera. Instead of doing all kinds of things and being very active you give me time to live the present moment well, anchored in your love as my big brother. The love of my brothers is an opportunity to eat more and make the effort. The talents you have given me for work I can use for your Opera! But above all, you gave me the gift of being much more focused on the life with you in our midst and in me. You really have become much more "my only good". Then with my brother and sisters we can give life to the Opera with the Holy Spirit showing us what to do next!
I realised that loving the other person means to be constantly on the alert that "things" do not get in the way of relationships, because then love is no longer love. So, more often now than before I will ask myself during a conversation: Is the other still the most important thing in the present, or has it become the things we talk about? Still need to start again many times. 

Jesus, with all this I am struck by the great gift of your presence! God, the Trinity, amongst us, like Mary, that is, without much fuss, but simply there. A first taste of paradise in the midst of this world?

Together with Him

This morning seems a little strange. After a very interrupted night I am already quite tired shattering the illusion if I ever had it, that I am fit and well. Over the past two or three days I have been quite active, but perhaps too much so and things are catching up with me. I really can't do what I was used to some time ago! My body knows that, but does my mind?

Jesus, I offer you this continuous limitation, this being able to do little! But is it little, if anything I do out of love cannot be little? 

Under a different perspective I am quite conscious of how much I am in God's hand. Yesterday I learnt that Umberto de Osti went to Paradise. The day before Padre Novo, the week before Dimitri ended up in hospital and today someone else I know well is on his way to hospital. Mark's dad went to Paradise not long ago, Sam Penny went to Paradise. It all points to the fact that life here is very temporary, despite the fact that most of us behave as if we are here forever. 

More than anything else Jesus is telling me to live well in the present moment. Bring love where there is no love and you will find love! I have to live each moment as if it was the last moment I have. I became very conscious of this yesterday speaking to my mother about a relative we have not had contact for over 20 years due to some row . I asked her for the phone number to speak to them at the weekend. So many things become unimportant in the light of all this. The most important aspect of my life is to love my neighbour. Only Jesus amongst us can give us peace and joy. Only he makes sense of all this. There lies the challenge: to see everything with His eyes. If we are made to love, if we are made to love one another, if we are made to have Jesus amongst us, He will give us the help to live well our adventure with him moment by moment. One of the big gifts is to be able to go together through these moments, because then Jesus is always with us. 

I am loved

Today is a new month and a new Word of Life. Reading it I was quite frightened and worried: Am I really acknowledging Jesus before others? What should I do to improve? But then I saw the answer in the same Word of Life. Through mutual love do we give witness! Together, not just me. Yes I have to live mutual love, but for that I need somebody else. Immediately a number of examples came to mind, but most of all I realised that even the worry about that I need to give to God to be free to love. God's love never will ask anything of me I can't do! So, with my soul at peace I throw myself in the present moment, fully 100%. 

Yesterday I was given a number of tips of how to support my treatment with supplements and reading other experiences of people going through the same thing. I soon realised that I actually have the most important thing: Jesus in me and around me! I feel so privileged by having the most precious thing in the relationship with God. I don't want to diminish any of the other things, but there is just no substitute for knowing that I am loved by a God and that the love he has for me will grow if I in turn love my neighbour in the present moment. In that love he will also point me to the right things to do. That love will also answer my concerns about my way to give witness. Jesus, you are simply great!