God's love is never the same

Today is the "big day"! or is it? My motto today is: Be humble in front of my neighbour, because today as any other day I am called to love in the present, to offer my uncertainty, my hunger ( I haven't eaten since yesterday), my apprehension, my being similar to the one I Love most: Jesus on the Cross. Not being... out of love for him, who is with me, is present in my brothers and sisters in the present, including the medical staff. In that way I am  ready for the operation, but also ready for anything else. So, in that sense it is a day like any other, special, unique, never the same as the previous, because God's love is always new, it is never the same! 

We have overcome the world

So, today it is meant all happen. I am waiting for the call from the hospital and then, wait a minute! Do I put my life on hold for a phone call. No, so back to the present! Yes, I am a little anxious perhaps, but all can be lived for something. Thinking of others who are really suffering, with no way out. 

But most of all if I am not the first to love, how can I expect to be loved by God? If I am full of myself with the worry over the hospital I have no chance of seeing God in my neighbour! Back then to loving, to be outside myself in the present moment. But despite everything, including these pains and sufferings Jesus remains with me and this is the ultimate way of loving. I return always to Jesus Forsaken, on the Cross, who is my life, because he shows me God, the Father. 

Jesus, how can I not love my neighbour in the present moment? How can I not live, offer, suffer as a gift for your life amongst us. Today I dedicate to an ever deeper life of your presence amongst us! After are we are son of the King and with him we have overcome the world.

Infinite variations of his love

These last two days have been full of gifts of the love of God for me. I am more than ever conscious of the fact that God loves me immensely, in the present, the way I am. Forever I come up against my limited human thinking which inevitably centres on me and my things. I believe it is part of the human condition, but God has given me his son to be at my side always. Jesus, abandoned on the cross is always there in all the brokenness, frustration, anxiety and perhaps most of all the unknown, the ever changing. In preparation of the forthcoming operation I wanted to go to Aylesford for a time of prayer and reflection. It was not possible, because the people I was hoping to meet weren't available! Initially, it seemed a little harsh to get told to come back another time, when there is no other time! Then, I realised: it is not about being prepared, it is about me again! Where I am God cannot be, where I am there no love of God. I started again to love, to be outside myself for my neighbour, sorting out things at home and that was probably the best preparation for me: to grow in love!! Tomorrow, the plan is to go to hospital and I want to go in peace loving being that nothingness of love without expecting anything and being there with Jesus in the present moment. There, I find his love for me. As he lives with me now in joy and pain, I can live for others giving all.

Being gift for the others, it is not actually me who is the gift, but it is us: Jesus and I as one. Isn't it marvellous to live in communion with Jesus moment by moment reflecting the life of the Trinity! It’s mind boggling, but an immense gift. So, even if I go into hospital, although I may physically go on my own, I am not, because in God we live in ever greater communion! If only we were more conscious of the presence of God in us and amongst us, then soon the world would be one, because invaded by the infinite variations of his love expressed through each one of us in a unique way! 

Nothing to stop God to be amongst his people!

After a beautiful period of light and insight during which I have come to understand many things in my relationship with God now another part of the same trip seems to open up, very much full of temptations, temptations to retreat within myself thus excluding God.

I feel within me a certain rebellion: I do not want to be sick any more, with limited forces, do not want to be able to sleep, exposed to the effects of the drugs and spend another day in the hospital in preparation for a very dangerous operation. No, I would like to be in full strength, work and live for God and for the Movement, to give everything. Then in the morning, getting up in the kitchen I bang my head strong biting my lip and half asleep I lose my attitude to love my brother who stands beside me!

Then I realise that it is all me, about me, and where I am God cannot be, because two people cannot occupy the same space! God, out of love will always leave me free.

But “he who loves his life will lose it, and he who loses his life will have it”, I read somewhere. So, if I want to be what God has created me for, I have to be nothing, nothing out of love. Love gives always and therefore is not there, precisely because of its nature. Jesus on the Cross is for me the ultimate visible sign of love, giving himself totally he is the visible expression of God’s love for us, for me. He is the one I chose to give my life to in every moment, bitter or sweet, so that Jesus on the Cross is at least loved a little! This love constantly brings me out of myself to give, to live for the other, to be there for the other. It transforms everything and gives value to everything that it done out of love. So all the things I do or say are making up my relationship of love with my neighbour, because they are a gift! And If that love is mutual there is really nothing to stop God to be amongst his people!

Living together with God

If am the son of God, who is love that means everybody I meet in the present moment is a living expression of God's love for me! So how can I 

1. Judge a person? 

This morning there was a problem with the bank. When I call I am already agitated because of the unexpected inconvenience, ready to blame the system. Then before I start talking to the person I say to Jesus that we need to talk together with this person. During the call I understand that when moving address I did not notify the bank of my new phone number. So they could not phone me to alert me of the problem. Jesus thanks again for that lesson to be universal servant, a slave of love. 

2. Being impatient therefore not in an attitude of loving? 

I find myself in a hurry, and therefore without peace, blaming Jesus for my limited ability. The shopping arrives and I realise I have forgotten many thing. Well, at least we have lot’s of garlic! 

3. Know everything better than the other and do things my way? 

For an act of love I lost some shirts. I was struck by how easy it was that this thing could get between me and another. Instead, no, because the love of Jesus in us is greater. 

4. Being busy of my things? 

First, my phone does not work and I give it all attention to see how to repair it getting more and more agitated, until I realize that "I very much am" instead of "not" out of love. I feel that my day does not go according to my "program". I also realize that I live and not Jesus in me! 

But I realise Jesus paid for everything, even for my nature, thus being with him I pay too, offering everything for the lives of others, the life of the movement. So the joy, the real life in God returns. We can continue to live together with God among us and it's a great life!

What greater guide do I need!

God commands each Christian to love the other to the point of complete self-giving, as Jesus taught and did. So how can we live this Word of Life well? How can we reach the point in which the Father himself will love us and the Trinity will come to dwell within us?  By putting into practice with all our hearts, radically and with perseverance, precisely this kind of love for one another.

The Trinity will come to live in me! No less! What must I do? Give myself totally without looking at returns, interests, “what’s in it for me?” No, love gives without looking at these things. That allows love to be always new, in everything and whenever I have not been in that attitude of love I towards my neighbour in the present moment I can still love in that pain and suffering of not having loved and therefore transform all into love. Why, because Jesus died on the cross! Where there is love, there is God! Where there is no love, put love and you will find love! And when that love is returned, there is God in our midst, here, now! Then the most important aspect of my life are not things, facts, project, but it is the relationship with person in the present. All the projects, facts and things have value if they are not my expression, but the expression of love for my neighbour. Then I am guided by God in our midst, who is love. What greater guide do I need! 

God always loves me!

I am discovering God in a new way, which makes me want to love him more! God is love, which has no beginning and no end! He has always loved me and he always will. Every moment he leaves me free to say yes to him, to his love for me, which is never the same. God the always new, who gives me the chance to always start again. What a love! I can love my neighbour in the present moment with a love like it, and when that love is returned, there is God in our midst, here! It’s not always easy, but I need not be perfect, I need to start again. 

Today when I was told that the surgery will be November 26 and I should prepare by having complete rest, restrict activities, and reduce the risk of infections by not going near crowds, it felt like going into hibernation! Then I immediately thought of the possible adverse effects of the operation, such as paralysis, loss of memory, more side effects of drugs. While thinking about all these things, I realized that naturally I was getting angry, blaming others, asking questions, but most of all I became sad. Once I forgot about me returning to love the person with me in the present moment, I was at peace, had joy, and because it is was then that I was with God. I am truly me, when out of love I don’t look at me! Just as God, the father is truly the father only if he looks at the son! I can’t do this by myself and need God’s help usually expressed through my neighbour, and he always loves me.

Loving my neighbour I am very close to God

I am discovering that in loving my neighbour I am very close to God!

God is love and in his nature of being love he gives himself totally. His “being himself” consists of not being, out of love, Therefore he is love! If I love my neighbour in the present moment, I'm not myself, but I am what God has made me for, the word that God has had always in mind when he created me! So I don’t need to worry about “being myself”, In fact the more I am concerned about myself the less I am free to love, the way God is love. It struck me during this recent period that I did not so much have to lose a lot of things, but love my neighbour in the present moment give everything out of love. More and more I miss certain skills due to the recurring tumour: I'm more tired more quickly, I cannot be very active physically, forget things and am slower, and as consequence have to make psychological adjustments.  There are the "whys", but they do not give me the real answers and make me less free to love, to be outside myself. I remember Jesus on the Cross in his deepest suffering of being forsaken by the Father. He carried on being love and he is with me on my cross making everything is a gift of love for God. I give God everything because I love him, not because I want to get better, or have less discomfort, etc. Only then will I be truly free. 

We can be carefree, because we are children of God. Yes, because if I think, I am full of me, my concerns than there is no room for God! So how do I do it? By loving, being outside of me, turned always to the other person in the present moment: I want what the other wants, because it is Jesus who wants it. He will look after me because he loves me. I might not always see it that way, probably because I look inwards, to myself. That does not change the truth of his love for me in very moment! I have never been unloved by God! Yesterday, when with consultant we saw that another operation is necessary I was peace, profound peace, because I knew God loved me. Instead of worrying about me I tried to love the person next to me, the consultant making feel at ease, thinking about asking helpful questions, making suggestions. When he phoned me later to confirm the operation would go ahead I thought it was another sign of God’s love! Usually consultants don’t phone patients directly.

What a gift of God to be able to love! Give something to him every moment, a smile, a word, a action, but all love, expecting nothing in return! Given the love God has for me I cannot just love myself by keeping it! Then there is no longer space for his love in me. If I am full of the gifts of God, there is no room for him!

To love with your imagination

Being here with Paul & Mary and talking to various people (Mary, Diana and Susie) I am just left with one thought: Thank you! I thank God for

• my life, beautiful, full of gifts I never imagined
• a community so beautiful that brings this diamond of this divine life & presence into the world
• his love, which has transformed me and always makes me freer
• all those living in the focolare community here and everywhere. They are unique treasures, wonderful allowing you to be present in the world. 
• the grace to penetrate ever more deeply his life,
• for every neighbour who passes me, because s/he is proof of his continuous love for me and others.

Tonight I am filled with joy, confident that there is a father who loves me immensely with a fantasy that never repeats itself! I just want one thing: to love my brother and sister with the same imagination.

Truly me

Having a moment of reflection this morning I understood more profoundly that

1. I am truly a son of God! I am loved by God with an infinite love.

Therefore everything is his love for me. As the cross was love for Jesus, the return of the tumor is love for me, because I am one with Jesus! Everything takes on  different dimension going beyond what's visible!

2. Jesus is my brother. He is one with me and because he is one with the Father, takes me to him!

Now I understand why I always speak with Jesus We're not just friends, we are one, more one than ever I thought: He lives and experiences, as I live! I'm on the cross with him, inside of me, and where we truly love one another he is in our midst. We travel together..always.

3. The love of God is always new! He will not ever love me the same way.

So, there is never a "routine" to love. Life with God then becomes an adventure and an offering to God, not to be cured, but an offering of love. God, I give you this moment as my gift of love, because I love you, for no other reason! God is love which is permanently new, never the same!

4. Love means to be always outside of me, not to think of me not to turn to myself.

Since my medical examination God has given me many opportunities to be there for others!  people to listen to, others to be sad with and yet others to laugh.Going to bed I was at peace, happy because I did not think of myself! Reflecting on this I realising loving my neighbour with God's is not being myself. In that act of not being myself or live for myself but for the other, I actually become myself. I understand now what Jesus means when he says: "Anyone who wants to save his life will lose it; but anyone who loses his life for my sake will find it." I am truly me if out of love I give what I have.  

Love conquers all

Naked I came from my mother’s womb, naked I shall return. The Lord gave, the Lord has taken back. Blessed be the name of the Lord! If we take happiness from God’s hand, must we not take sorrow too? "

I really like this vision of Job. God gave me life, a rich life full of gifts, but the greatest gift is his love for me. I am aware that I easily accept  the gifts that I like and not so easy those I don’t. Because he loves me all that happens to me is for my own good, it's for me to find out how!

"If anyone comes to me and does not love me more than he loves his father, mother, wife, children, brothers, sisters, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. He who does not carry his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple. "

I was struck by this passage of today’s Gospel. How true it is that slowly things enter into my life that would threaten to come above of my exclusive choice of Jesus, Jesus abandoned on the cross! So my condition becomes more important than Jesus in the morning when I look at how I am before saying good morning to the one I love the most! I discovered for this reason it is good to offer all as my gift of love for him.

Then yesterday I realized that it is very easy that the things of the moment can take over the space of God.  So I am are no longer immersed in God, I do not see things with his eye. Then there is no peace and joy! I had the experience if I open up to my neighbour in the present moment, at home, on the phone, in the street. In the communion, there I find God, in giving also my suffering I immerse myself in God and then everything changes! I go back to the essentials, the eternal things of my daily life with the belief that love conquers all!

Jesus help me to stand

This morning I had another surprise: The doc wants to see me asap and he is concerned about the gradual loss of the use of my left arm! I am back on the steroids! Immediately, I was disappointed as there is a good chance of the tumour being on top again. So the questions start: Why did it not work? It was all going so well! Was all this treatment a waste of time? Then amidst the questions and tears a there is Jesus on the cross, my truest friend, telling me I am here, with you..always! Did I not have a great past few months with so many gifts? Have I not been able to live during this period, without pain, remaining alert and being there for others in the present? Hasn't this period been a great change to the positive for me? And, did we not know the roadmap of this story from the beginning? Yes, I don't like it! Who would? But any difficulties, pains are also a spring board for something unexpected, for discoveries of things I never knew I had, for growth, even of tumours! Now I have a choice: to live in misery feeling sorry for myself, but more importantly ignoring God' love for me and only looking at myself or to live in peace and profound joy knowing to be loved every moment by him appreciating all the gifts I receiv. So, I threw myself into the present going to the bank, getting some money, sorting out an issue for friend who does not know the world of banks and credit cards. Then peace returned. And through being open to other (Angela, Bev, Marie, my brother & family God gave me a lot of presents. This song is one of them Jesus help me to stand. Let's live in the present now and let's live it well. Tomorrow will take care of its own troubles! Counting my blessings would take a long time! Just thinking of them is quite moving! On top of that one of my tablets makes me cry anyway! I need a new supply of tissues!!

Below is the text of the song

Jesus Help Me To Stand
by Alison Krauss


Through trials, troubles and care
I know that Jesus my savior is there
Giving me faith through darkest days
Keeping me on the narrow way

Jesus savior, help me each day
Fill me with hope, fill me with faith
Darkness retreats at the touch of your hand
Jesus savior, help me to stand

Jesus lived through darkest pain
Rejected by men, despising the shame
Man of sorrows, acquainted with grief
He gave his life so we may be free

Jesus savior, help me each day
Fill me with hope, fill me with faith
Darkness retreats at the touch of your hand
Jesus savior, help me to stand

I know that Jesus died for me
Cancelled my debt at Calvary
Rose from the dead, unlocked Heaven's door
Trust in his love and live evermore

Jesus savior, help me each day
Fill me with hope, fill me with faith
Darkness retreats at the touch of your hand
Jesus savior, help me to stand

life in the present

I see that just because I try put God at the centre of my life I am not immune to the feeling and worried of what might happen. The big difference for me is that I know that my lifelong friend Jesus on the cross is always with me. Today I told God that I would prefer to be around a little longer, but only if he thought it best! I am really lucky to be loved in such a marvellous way by a God! There is nothing better! So, I have his peace, he brought me to this point because I tried to say yes to him at every turn, so I am convinced He will stay with me! But even if I should panic he will still be there, still full of love. Now I have only the present. there is nothing more, because I really only had the present before, but perhaps I did not make full use of it in the past. So, also today life in the present. 

What is important

"Who does not go forward, that is, does not improve, does not only stand still, but goes back. That's why we really need to keep us all linked up, roped in to help and encourage each other to walk, to take even some small step, and so not go backwards.”

How true! Walking together we are really strong! The physical limits are more notable and it is unlikely only to be the medication or fatigue. But we will see what the scan reveals next week. It is useless to speculate even though there is always the urge to know, why. Therefore it’s much more important
1. To live much more immersed in God moment by moment,
2. To remain in the present thinking of my neighbour,
3. Offer my contribution to God for what he wants.

Today I was still very tired from the chemo, which was perhaps the worst apart from the first. I feel that today I let myself go a little not living in the present. But it’s enough to start again. In the morning I had  a beautiful call with my brother and my sister. We also talked about the deterioration, but mostly we had fun! I remembered that the only thing that matters is the love for one another! Then Jesus will be with us.

What more do I want

Today is a significant day in my treatment: This is my last chemo. In these last days I noticed a slight deterioration in my left arm and hand. In a week I have another scan to see how things are. Again the temptation creeps in to make assumptions, to speculate, to worry; to live in the future I don’t know. So, it’s back to the present I know the way the tumour makes me travel, so there are no surprises. I have nothing but the present fully for the person next to me in that moment. In fact I'm discovering many unexpected gifts, such as the joy of finishing a puzzle (I have never done a puzzle before!!) or the serenity associated with being totally at peace. Nature becomes very beautiful as do many people with their individual ways of doing or saying things. It makes me all smile. It is a great gift – you are all great gifts! Today I want to remember those people who are in a lot more pain than me, physical and emotional! I am sure we all have somebody in mind. Let’s offer up our day for them! Especially those who are suffering alone! I want to dedicate my day to them. 

My one hope and trust is that I shall never have to admit defeat, but that now as always I shall have the courage for Christ to be glorified in my body, whether by my life or by my death. Life to me, of course, is Christ, but then death would bring me something more; but then again, if living in this body means doing work which is having good results-I do not know what I should choose. I am caught in this dilemma: I want to be gone and be with Christ, which would be very much the better, but for me to stay alive in this body is a more urgent need for your sake. 

This piece from the readings of today's mass struck me, because it showed me once again that my life is with Jesus, in me, amongst us, in the Eucharist! What more do I need or want!

Jesus thanks for your presence always

Yesterday I leant an important lesson: If I keep looking at myself to observe whether my condition is deteriorating, it surely is for two reasons: first because it will at some point and I know that, so I will always find something and second Because I perhaps don’t live the present well.. But if instead I go ahead as I can I remain in the present. I know that things will be slower from now on, but that is in the nature of my life. these last two days I was in a black hole, because I did not look at God in me and around me. I had “resigned myself” to whatever. That is not love, but a temptation to look at “poor me”. I need to look outwards to see the Jesus, the light in my neighbour: Not my will but you will be done! I only hope as things move on, I will always be able to love the others as Jesus taught me.  Today I dedicate to being able to see God’s immense love in everything, and if I can’t see it, to believe in it! I want to live he present and it’s gifts I receive in each moment like good night’s sleep, no pressure to do anything, simply enjoy the present without rushing. The greatest gift for me is to know that I am not alone. Only that thought brings me a big smile! So the chemo is not that heavy, the medication not that hard to endure! I often remember the story of the strawberries. It’s very nice because very positive. But most of all I am never without by best friend in me and in our midst! Jesus thanks for your presence always.