What more do I want

Today is a significant day in my treatment: This is my last chemo. In these last days I noticed a slight deterioration in my left arm and hand. In a week I have another scan to see how things are. Again the temptation creeps in to make assumptions, to speculate, to worry; to live in the future I don’t know. So, it’s back to the present I know the way the tumour makes me travel, so there are no surprises. I have nothing but the present fully for the person next to me in that moment. In fact I'm discovering many unexpected gifts, such as the joy of finishing a puzzle (I have never done a puzzle before!!) or the serenity associated with being totally at peace. Nature becomes very beautiful as do many people with their individual ways of doing or saying things. It makes me all smile. It is a great gift – you are all great gifts! Today I want to remember those people who are in a lot more pain than me, physical and emotional! I am sure we all have somebody in mind. Let’s offer up our day for them! Especially those who are suffering alone! I want to dedicate my day to them. 

My one hope and trust is that I shall never have to admit defeat, but that now as always I shall have the courage for Christ to be glorified in my body, whether by my life or by my death. Life to me, of course, is Christ, but then death would bring me something more; but then again, if living in this body means doing work which is having good results-I do not know what I should choose. I am caught in this dilemma: I want to be gone and be with Christ, which would be very much the better, but for me to stay alive in this body is a more urgent need for your sake. 

This piece from the readings of today's mass struck me, because it showed me once again that my life is with Jesus, in me, amongst us, in the Eucharist! What more do I need or want!