Live the present without hurry

As I move on I become more and more aware of the effects the drugs have on me. It seems that everything is slowing down, even the typing! The faster I try to type the more mistakes I make. I need to speak slower in order that my words can be understood. I need more rest and one could get very worried about this. One thing I think I have learnt during this period is to adapt, to live in the present the way I do best. I have slowed down and will probably slow down further, but it is all good for living the present well and in depth. Another challenge to love and take these new limits as a gift from God. It made me realise how much I missed before doing things in a hurry. One temptation is to be sick instead of being love! Another effect of the drug are the mood swings. Naturally I ask myself is it the drugs or is it the tumour? But then DIM? I need to live accepting my new limits. it is a gift, because it allows me to love more. Love truly conquers all! Even my new physical limitations allowing me to do thing in more depth. However, I did notice that if I don't look at myself but at how best to love, life suddenly becomes quite different. So it is all an encouragement to love more slowly but more intensely. What a chance to live the present moment without hurry!

There are moments of pain and suffering, which in my view are big temptations to turn in on yourself, where I usually find a big black hole. My vision becomes narrow and very negative. I don't notice the beauty of the world around me, sometimes hidden, sometimes for all to see! It's enough to know how to find the hidden beauty in the things around me. Today I had a seemingly wasted journey to the hospital. But I was with a friend for an hour which was very nice. I came back being happy in a more profound way! So more smiles thanks to Fergus. Ho can I not say that life is beautiful?

There is only love

This weekend has been quite special in many ways for me. Seeing our not so small family of the focolare, meeting many people, even if only briefly, I could not help but feel like the son of a king! the many gifts. The way everyone I met was God's gift for me. I am tempted to name quite a few people but it would be unfair, because everybody was a gift for he other. It was an very special weekend for me, because I was living in the light, with Jesus truly amongst us! It was a special grace and it was truly an experience of the Holy Spirit at work! The richness and true revolution of our relationships lies in a simple phrase: "Love one another as I have loved you." Once again I understood what that actually meant in practice:

1. Being rather then doing. If I am love for the other I have truly loved.
2. To love means to accept the other in the present moment as a gift from God as he/she is, completely! If God accepts me completely can I do anything else with my brother or sister? 
3. Make haste to love but not to love hastily. Take time for the other. There were true meetings this weekend! 
4. I can always love! There is nothing that stops me from loving my neighbour in each present moment. 
5. As Jesus on the Cross continued to give, to love so can I in my situation. As always, one thing is what I would like to do quite another is to give forgetting myself and not looking for a return. That is love. 
6. Communion increases our love for one another. I can be a gift to the other! And the other for me!

..and then amongst all the things there is only love that remains. How much more fortunate can we be?

Jesus see you there

“O Lord, let me not henceforth desire health or life except to spend them for you, with you, and in you. You alone know what is good for me; do therefore what seems best to you. Give to me or take from me; conform my will to yours; and grant that with humble and perfect submission and in holy confidence I may receive the orders of your eternal providence, and may equally adore all that comes to me from you,” (Blaise Pascal).

Perhaps not a language I would use, but then this was along time ago I like it, because  God alone knows what is good for me, everything also becomes an expression of his love for me. The sleepless night, a resulting physical malaise, a certain grumpiness and whatever else the day has to offer! All says to me: I love you especially and immensely. How can I not reply with love for him in everybody that passes next to me? Today I will see lots of familiar faces of our little family of the Focolare and I am really looking forward to it. But Jesus make sure I really love fully in the present moment without haste, in peace so that you can be amongst us! Without you there is nothing. With you in our midst it is your love that can transform everything. Jesus, see you there!

What a great opportunity

Also this year, in all likelihood, some of us will leave for heaven and it's not bad if, for a moment at least, we consider that it could be our turn. Of course, sooner or later the time comes for everyone. It is in this perspective that the life that remains (months, years ...) can not but appear to us as a great opportunity, a unique opportunity, an opportunity not to be missed, in which to create something really nice, great and holy. But how?

Chiara speaking in the link up in 1983. It immediately struck me that this something great will not be being organized, having done big events, or something really spectacular! Chiara herself answers the question:

So as not to miss the great opportunity of life we have left, we take every opportunity to love one another , with the "size" of Jesus' love, with an emptiness of ourselves, with us "making ourselves one" with everyone,  stepping into the others shoes, so that the Risen Christ is in our midst .
Offer the Risen Christ to the world, give birth to Jesus, like Mary did, this is an extraordinary opportunity to be seized.

Suddenly I realise that everything I do, if done with this kind of love will be extraordinary, because it contains God's love. For example organising a house move, moving a telephone point, planning Bright Lights, the forthcoming update weekend, or washing the dishes becomes extraordinary, because it is not me and you who do things but it is truly Jesus who has given us the things we do as a visible expression, the vehicle of that love for one another. What a great opportunity!

Jesus I want what you want, because I love you

Every morning and every evening I pray "Jesus, because you are forsaken on the cross I offer you this day or this night!" It is a constant reminder of God's immense love for me. He, a God, gave his life for me, a created being! In response to that love I want to be there to return that love. 

How many times amidst the tears of any kind of pain and suffering can I respond to his love through a smile, a friendly word, a simple friendly gesture! How many times do I ask myself: Is what I now do loving Jesus in my brother or sister or is it for my own benefit? Is what I do in the present standing between me and the other person? If it does, it is also standing between me and Jesus! 

I have to be very careful that my conversation with Jesus, my prayer, is not clouded by self interest along the lines of: Jesus I talk to you because I want something from you, like a longer life, health, peace or whatever it is. His love is totally free, without any hidden agenda. I want to love him in my neighbour like that in the small things of the day, such as getting some bread, making the effort  for the other without expecting anything in return. There are so many gifts in return, but the greatest of them all is the joy and peace that come from being close to God, of being immersed in God, who is love. What more do I really want in life! Everything I have done and will do passes away, all I live for if without love for my neighbour will disappear! I discover always more that all the things God puts in my way are there to make my love for him in my neighbour visible. In return he remains with me always. What a gift! So, I just say to Jesus: I want what you want, because...I love you!   

Life becomes simple and beautiful

I have receive a lot of gifts in these last few days! Most of all I was reminded of how much God loves me and all of us. Everything passes, but love does not, because it is from God and God cannot pass. In the moment I am very much struck by music as a true reflection of God's love! Putting your talents in common to make others smile and happy. We can all do this, perhaps not in musical terms but in talent terms. Make someone happy through my particular talents. I know they are his gifts so the more give, I receive. Life becomes simple and very beautiful.

Back to the present

Isn't it interesting to see how quickly I can get caught up in the little things of the day! Today the telephone engineer is supposed to come and I am without inner peace!! I want him to come now. Today I need to go to the surgery to get my prescription sorted out and I am restless! What if my medication is not there! I have until Wednesday!! How many present moments is that! 

In the mean time moments pass and I don't love because I am not in God! Jesus I need you to give me patience, I need you to help me to be. Only in God and with God, only in love and with love do I make any progress.
Funny also how things put themselves together! From today's gospel:

Watch, and be on your guard against avarice of any kind, for a man’s life is not made secure by what he owns, even when he has more than he needs.

It is not the prescription and the telephone, but it is me being immersed in God through loving my neighbour in the present moment. That is all I have, that is all that counts. This immersion can be greatly helped by my sharing what God gives me to understand and to live. Communion increases mutual love, simple! Where there is love there is God, Where there is God there is peace and joy.

Immersed in God

I have been up and down emotionally in these past few hours, before returning to the three important things I have understood:

1. There is no other way than to be in the present, loving the person next to me, be outside myself. Looking at myself, at the tumour, at what may be is futile, because I only have the present. 
2. Loving my my neighbour even in only the small things open the way for a communion of our lives that will increase as our love increases. In that communion Jesus is present and give us light. Hence the blog and facebook etc. 
3. With the light I can see a purpose of love I can give my day dedicating my life in every moment to the sufferings and pains around me, another way of loving. In this way I can share in the sufferings of others. 

Living like this I discover lots of presents, real gifts of God given to me by so many others, a sure sign of God's presence. I am truly immersed in God and I stay immersed in God by living the three things I have understood. Then there is no need for fear. I discovered a great song that expresses this will. Unfortunately it is in Italian, but below is the English translation of the bit of the song that touched me most. Io non ho paura. I like it very much!

I'm not afraid

Of what I can not understand

I'm not afraid

Of what I can not see

I'm not afraid

Of what I can not explain

Of what will change us

What a life

Yesterday things have been a little hectic one way or the other. But what important for me was not to get caught up in the apparent rush. I had a meeting with in connection with my early medical retirement, which required my full attention. It was an amazing meeting and we talked about many things not only work and I realised that I just need to be 100% in the present moment. Then I had  a visit from a good friend, Sandra, and it was a true immersion in God! I think we really met in him! It was moment of meditation together. God really loves us and we need to understand that all that is important for us to respond to that love through our neighbour.
This was the same reminder for me in a very profound phone call with another friend Eddie. It was a profound meeting and we were able to really look at the same thing and admire the different view. Again, for me the most important thing was to love one another before anything else. It was only because we did not want to convince the other but simply share our view or different perspective the spirit could work though all of us. In the evening still more gifts with the arrival of Gege from Rome! I am really glad he is here! What a life you have given me, Jesus! 

Without love there is no joy and no peace

Yesterday and today through various conversations I understood something very important, but also very simple: Jesus wants me, wants us to love him in the person next to us in the present moment!
When I listened to Chiara's reflection on Jesus in our neighbour at first I was very scared when she read the passage on the last judgement. Then sharing my thoughts I understood more fully what Jesus was actually saying: Are we not all poor, imprisoned or ill, in one way or another suffering from our hang ups, psychological limits and physical illness, our imperfections? Is it not that Jesus in the person next to me who is asking to be loved in their particular situation in that present moment?
How many times have I ignored Jesus' request to spend some time with him, allow him to visit me, fix his computer, make a call, to accept him as he is warts and all?So love is making myself the other, taking the time 

I had a very useful meeting with an advisor regarding my medical retirement and instead of being here for 30 min we talked for almost two hours. I realised that only too often I would like to have a rules for everything. Perhaps it's a German thing. So what's the rule for loving my neighbour? When do I know I am loving my neighbour? It's all very simple, really!

Loving my neighbour is without interest. I don't expect anything in return. Loving my neighbour makes him/her happy. Loving my neighbour brings me peace and joy. I can hear people say I have given all this and look what I get in return or look what he has done with it!

Am I not interested then? Interested in a return, a rewards of some kind? Does my love leave the other completely free? I look at the way God loves me in every moment and I find that I am totally free, no rules, no conditions, no demands. He loves me that way I am! That is the great thing about God! 

There is my big clue; Love the person next to me in the present as they are. Jesus is with them as he is with me! To love in this way means to love as Jesus loved me,us on the cross. I don't stop at the pain, but continue to give, because that is God's love, willing to die for me, a miserable creature. 

Let's keep it simple. I ask God to love him in my neighbour every moment of the day as I know how. I also ask him to tell me through my neighbour if my love is not love. I know, but without love there is no joy and no peace. Simple, eh?

Just another moment

Yesterday was a bit of a reflective day. I was very conscious of all the gifts God has given me over this last period. Even in the moments of deepest darkness he is there and as on the cross he shows me again how I can sometimes through pure will power be outside myself to loving my neighbour in the present moment.  Just as Jesus did on the cross! Nothing is mine and all is for the love of my neighbour, for the love of Jesus who is passing by, asking me to sort out old papers or fix he computer, or give my experience, or listen to someone on the phone, or to reply to a request or to ask me to clean the toilet. If Jesus, my best buddy, is asking for it I will do it right away and the request becomes the visible expression of my love for him. If I don't see it that way it becomes an interruption of my busy life. So, hopefully when I get to meet Jesus he is going to say: My computer was bust and you fixed it, I needed to talk to someone and you were there, etc... But I have to be careful not to love him because I want to go to Paradise! I love him because it's him!!! In every person he is present! As it was with a simple phone call from a friend. She made me smile just by being herself! 

Be available to the other in the present moment, have the time, make the time, not hurrying things even if sometimes there seems no other possibility. I know it seems madness in the rat race we are often in, but I think sometimes that I will not be asked have you every little thing you were given to do? I am reminded of St Paul, even if I do the most holy and commendable things but have no love it is worth nothing. My challenge is again to be rather than to do. To love then, also means that I am not alone, and many a situations was resolved because I simply loved my neighbour, Then where two or three...Jesus was there too. What more do I want!

Then I discover that getting to the evening having done only half the things I set out to do, but being happy for the gifts I have discovered in the people I met is preferable to having many things done, be exhausted and ... still have more things to do tomorrow! The other person is worth much more than the things we are chasing. I have to have the courage of putting people first and to be. Then I will always live with Jesus! And if tomorrow I have to meet him, it will just be another moment, because we have been together all this time!

Hide and seek

Today I went back to basics and it was such a joy!

1. Immerse myself in God. The most important immersion in God is my neighbour, my brother and sister, in that present moment. My life is God's I pray that he may give me time to bring more people to him, for more people to understand that he is love, that he loves each one of us immensely! More time to help build a more united world. God is my all, I have handed over my diary to him to fill with appointments. Jesus is always with me! 
2. Living the present moment. What a gift! It give me such a freedom. Freedom from being subject to many things: my activities, my opinions, my views. I really understand that it is not they don't matter, no they do, because God has given me the gift to think or see things from a different perspective. But because God has given others the same freedom, how can assume I am better or more right than others. Living in the present helps me to focus of my neighbour not on my cause. 
3. Living in communion with others. I am aware that all God allows me to understand is not just for me. It is a gift for others. The problem for me is that as I give, I receive the hundredfold. I cannot help but thank God for all the gifts I receive every day. That hundredfold is the presence of Jesus in our midst. 

Just stating the obvious the spirituality is the biggest gift I have received. Not for me, but for the many people I now am able to be in contact with. So the game of mutual love continues. The game of discovering Jesus in my neighbour the hide and seek game. 

God is good all the time

Amongst the many things going through my head I was reflecting on the last judgement, and it can be quite frightening! Until you realise that what God is trying to tell me is to never loose sight of putting love of my neighbour before anything else. It was quite an exam of conscience, because it is actually very easy to loose sight of this with all kinds of subtle excuses. In the process of doing many things and being very busy I notice that the first thing to go is love for our neighbour in the present moment. Sometimes we need more time, sometimes we need less to love our neighbour in the present moment, but there are no short cuts. How often do we fleetingly say hello to someone on the assumption "You know what I mean", or You know what it is like". Often the most "holy" arguments are used, such as God surely want the Church or the Movement to go ahead and I am doing that in the moment by organising this event or that session. I am loving my neighbour by being active, I often heard myself say this without looking whether I had fallen out with someone over some practical aspect. So I ask myself what good is it organise anything if it gets in the way of my love for my neighbour?

I find that by loving my neighbour I get much more done! Besides is it mine or God's work.

Another thing that made me reflect was my way of praying! I found myself in the fortunate position of having to pronounce words very carefully due to my condition. If I speak fast I eat my words. Providential when talking to God, because suddenly the prayer regain their meaning, namely a conversation with God. Again, I found that I can't rush these things! I only gain seconds anyway! 

All this lead me back to the present moment. In the present I have all the time in the world. If I forget myself and love my neighbour God loves me back a hundred times. This afternoon I took the time to go with someone to the stations to get a rail card  I was cold and tired on my return but happy to have done this. God made me two enormous gifts: First a second phone call from an uncle who has not been in touch for over 30 years! Second, a surprise visit from a friend I had not seen for a long while. God is really good all the time. 

A pilgrim

Today I am going on a pilgrimage to Aylesford, a Marian shrine run by the Carmelites. The idea came out talking with Frank and I was very pleased because it gives me an opportunity to hand over many things to Mary and Chiara next to her. I am very much at peace and carry with me the whole movement: Emmaus at the synod, all the situations that are a little fragile, unresolved difficulties, especially in our focolares and our families, all the men and women focolarinii who are going through difficult times, all those in our family who are ill. But among the many things two are very close to my heart: That the love amongst us in focolare is getting greater and that the charism of unity is more and more present in the world.

In the Present

Love above all else was what came to my mind today. When I got up I had a few things going through my head. I must do this and I must do that. Then I tried to put these things into my day, first this, then that, then the next thing. Then I received an unexpected call from a friend in Italy. My first reaction was "not now"! Then: Jesus, thanks for calling. Then I went to share my experience at the Centre for Unity with a group of Lutheran pastors on retreat. Coming home I had a phone call from work. My diary was written full of appointments by God! After all I had handed my diary to him!

The most important thing for me was to understand that the best I can offer is a different kind of relationship. I can love and that is the most important thing. Then I can do the things God wants me to do, being at peace about those things I did not manage. So I ask him to put the other things into my diary when he sees fit.

Suddenly living the present fully is not such a bad thing, because I can get those things done which are important not for me, but for the kingdom of God.

True anchors

Today I realised how important it is to discover God's love in everything and behind everything. I went to do some shopping and gradually a certain (false) perspective entered my head. I saw a lot of old,and ill people in the shops and though to myself: I thought: This is it! Now I am on the sidelines of life. I can't be active any more running around doing three things at the same time and when somebody want to talk to me so say: Sorry I have to attend to this or that. No, I am now on the other side, of those who may want a quiet word, who are not rushing. Everybody around me is very busy, time is at a premium, in the attempt to move things on there are promises to visit, to do stuff together, to implement this idea and then the next, but nothing actually come to fruition, because there are too many things to do. It is then that I find it easy to judge, to say they don't really mean it, I am just not on the radar, etc. It is true that we are too much in the doing rather than the being, and it takes a lot of courage to step back and sit down without feeling guilty because we should be doing something. In the society that surrounds us value is given and and contributions are measured in terms of what you can do, not what you are. Hence the rat race, the tight deadlines, the high expectations of a perfection we cannot reach. 

Then there is me who by those terms can't do nothing! But if I look at life in that way surely I will be depressed in a minute! Recently I had some requests to share how I live this particular experience which allowed me to see the real perspective: My "job" is to be. But I cannot be, if I am not united with God, if I am not immersed in his life. And in the end there is no short cut  there is no efficiency: talking to my neighbour in the present moment need the time it need, the time God want us to take, talking to God in prayer takes the time it takes, if I really want to talk. Then, and only then can I do, because I truly am what God wants me to be. 

In that perspective I am a point of calm, fixed on the things that are important, a help to those in similar situations as me by sharing a little of how I live the ups and downs and perhaps a little to put things in perspective for all of us amongst all the things we need to do! Be there for others forgetting my little woes I suddenly find that I am just as busy, but in a totally different way. I am busy being calm, just being...hopefully! 

I think this is a marvellous opportunity to be like an anchor for those around me, if that is not too big headed. It is an important job and gives new purpose to things with opportunities to love my neighbour, of being with God, of never just looking at myself. Too be a true anchor I need others to ensure that we always have Jesus amongst us. After all he is the true anchor ad all is rooted in him. Suddenly  I realise if I have the love God has for me I can be what he wants me to be. Whatever that is, it will always be love, his love.  

Free to love in every moment

Even being ill as I am and limited in my ability there are so many little things to do: I want to share my experience and so I have to do these blogs, facebook etc, there are things round the house I can help with, there are things which nobody has been doing because there was not enough time etc. Then there things I would like to do, eg put some slide shows together, prepare stuff for meetings put the many ideas on paper. The temptation is to get on with it leaving everything else to one side. But then there is a major snag in my case, or a very good mechanism: Due to the medication I cannot concentrate for very long. I also get tired. 

Suddenly I have a realisation that the only thing I need to do is to love, love my neighbour in the present moment, being open, listen, rest not for me for my interest, but simply for Him. Because if we love one another, that means out of love I loose all those things I want to do, I will get them back when the time is right. Of course I can go to God and complain: "Listen, God, because of this tumour I can't give you 100% and because you give me other things to do, I can't do want you want me to do, namely this and that." I had to laugh at myself! It was as if I was telling God what is good for me, when he always knows what's best for me!!It was as if I was in charge of the world's affairs, when he has always been the one to present me with the opportunities to love him. 

I remember having handed him my diary. I pencilled a few things in, but he does the rest. Jesus, I love you in loosing all the things I would like to do, or better I bring them to you as gifts. In return I will love you in every present moment in the person you put next to me without complaint. I know what you want from me is the best thing that can happen to me in that moment! 

Thank you for the freedom to love you in every moment. 

Love in every moment

God has an unimaginable concept of us human beings.

Chiara wrote: 'The Father, Jesus, Mary and us. The Father allowed Jesus to feel abandoned by Him for our sakes. Jesus accepted the abandonment of the Father and the loss of his Mother for our sakes. Mary shared the abandonment of Jesus and accepted the deprivation of her Son for our sakes. Therefore we put in the first place. And 'love doing these crazy things. Even so we, when the will of God requires it, we have to leave the Father, Jesus, Mary, for our brother."

In these days I am reflecting more an more on how much God loves me and each one of us.  It is beyond our imagination how great his love for us is! We are the apple of his eye. Can we actually imagine the love he has for each one of us every moment of our day? Somehow I don't think we can, but that is because we don't always see his love for us. God loves me even if I make a choice that is not love, because he has been on the cross for me. I know I keep repeating myself, but only because I need constant reminding, I need to be immersed in him all the time. That's why going to God together becomes so important, because we can remind each other all the time what is really important. 

In the face of such great love I have no choice to love my neighbour, my brother and sister, and we are very equal because love does not know any distinctions, any preferences. Suddenly \I discover my neighbour in the present moment as gift for me! What becomes important above anything else, above my illness, my treatment, my very life, my friends, my work, my family, the movement and spirituality I follow, nothing is more important then to love with the love that comes from God, that is God. So, every moment I want to love like that! 

Jesus I can still love you

Important is to have a single idea of ​​'our neighbour'.

It 's the person who passes us in the present moment of our lives. Always be ready to serve that person, because in her/him we serve God  (Have a) simple eye (which means) to see one Father, to serve God in the our neighbour, having one brother, Jesus. "

Reading this, life seems very simple! I just love my brother or sister in the present moment. Then all the things to do are the vehicle, the expression of that love! I just have to be careful that they don't become greater than the love with which I love my neighbour. A sure sign for me that whatever we do has become greater , more important than the love in the present moment, is when I fall out over something, when I my opinion, my experience, my way of doing things becomes  so important that the relationship is no longer simple and free. Just before that happens I now apply DIM (does it matter?). It works every time!! Yesterday a friend cancelled his visit today and for me it was a great disappointment because I wanted so much to see him. Then, I realized that in my heart this disappointment was becoming an obstacle to love him to the end. The disappointment was perhaps just because I loved him expecting some thing in return, namely a visit. This is not love! So Jesus turned something into love, which wasn't love before! Now I am at peace and full of joy, because I remembered I  gave my diary to him to complete. Given that I am not feeling too great Jesus is really looking after me!

Yesterday, I went  to meet a few friends to share a bit of my experience. First of all I asked Jesus for him to speak and not me. For me, this is becoming increasingly important: Giving without expecting anything in return! Love is to give. 

So I start with the dedication of my day: I give all my sorrows, all my joys as an expression of love for this or that. Always give, without expecting anything in return. I want to give everything, like Jesus did and as he does through me. I like the expression Chiara used: "Let him/her (my brother or sister) eat me." Or in others word et me be ready to love to the extent that I am ready to give my life in the present moment. 

So last night I remember going to the Centre for Unity. I could have styed at home being ill and all that. Yes, I got tired, but tired because I loved! and I got joy in return! So I can give my contribution. I remembered that today is the planning meeting of Bright Lights. My first thought was very selfish. No one speaks, no one wants to know what I think, no one wants me to contribute I get no feedback I am cut out, just because I am ill. Then, I had a quick chat with Jesus who made me understand that I have to love these brothers and sisters the way he wants and not the way I do! Yes, I have to give my life, but even that has to be love! 

Important, then, that I'm free, free to be able to love. Jesus, I give you my general physical discomfort today, I give you my selfish attitude, I give all of me in this present moment.  I will do everything I can to look outside of me, at you in my neighbour, be ready love giving my life in the present moment! Why? Because if I look only to myself and to my misery I do not see the immense love of God that awaits me in my neighbour! Jesus, thank you because I can still love you!

A God's love for me

I have to laugh at the inconsistency of the human being! On the one hand we want to be given a chance, we like to be loved and respected for who we are and what we do. On the other hand we are quick to pass judgement on others if not openly, certainly in our heads. Whilst we like to think we are all equal, we find it difficult to fully accept the difference of the other person! How often do we think our is the best way, we know what we are talking about, etc. But the greatest laugh for me is the fact that I am trying to tell God what to do! God, here are my ideas and my plans and this is how you fit in to them! Job today very wisely acknowledges: God Perhaps I should shut up, because You have been around a little longer than I have!

I am beginning to understand much more profoundly what it means for us to be sons and daughters of one father: we are all brothers and sisters! Very simple really! 

Give us to love You, O God, not only every day, because they can be too few days that remain, but give us in each present moment to love You with all my heart, soul and strength in what is your will.

Again, what more do I need to do? So, instead of looking at myself, whether I am ok, whether things "are going as planned", I follow the daily agenda filled in by God and discover that he loves me in every moment in so many different ways! I just need to discover these. Living the present moment is one of those enormous gifts. I found this:

And there is no reason to worry, because everything is in God's hands and He will not let you accomplish nothing but his will, which is always for our good.

  What more do I need! Can I have more than a God that loves me and shows me his love every moment of my life? Amongst us, you are there, in my daily sufferings and pains, you are there on the cross, in me, you are there! Jesus, thanks for keeping me immersed in you all day! 

Love without end

Today I had a profound experience of the "how" in my life rather than the "what"! I have the impression that we all, including me in my situation, are getting very quickly and very easily caught up in the "what", that is I must get my point across and I have rights and whoever wrongs me has responsibilities. Once I start on that road like that the only possible outcome is humiliation for one and satisfaction resulting from the humiliation for the other! And where does the relationship ends up? In the gutter usually. I had a brief examination of conscience to see whether any of the "causes" for any breakdown in relationships were justified by the importance of the subject matter and I came to the conclusion there was no cause important enough! So, I hear someone say, to love means to be walked all over! 

No, to love means to point out any mistakes but without the expectation of a reply. I wrote to the reception manager but before I sent off the letter I shared it with someone else to make sure it was not just me but it was an expression of love for the other. Today I received a phone call from the main GP of the practice. we had a great conversation and it was not so much about me and them but for me it was about loving the other person, being one with her. The conversation ended very positively and I think we were both  happy. 

I was reminded of the Word of Life actually! Jesus says pay out the net, in my case carry on loving despite the apparent hopelessness of the situation, and he does intervene! Another piece of the united world built! If we keep at it who knows how long it will take before we all will be one!

I could not help but reflect how much God love me to the extent that he is always ready to start again, without creating a fuss! His love really has no end, so my love for him in my neighbour cannot be without end!

Peace in my suffering

Well, Jesus, it did not take you long to complete my diary! Yesterday was full of events I hadn't planned! First the hospital. The consultant was quite angry because my medication was totally wrong, mainly because I had not read his letter properly. For my a moment to be there for him without judgements and excuse, simple to start again, to love him, but most of all to remain at peace. Then an unexpected trip to the GP surgery as they did not manage to sort out my prescription. The receptionist was rather rude and inconsiderate, probably because she was on her own, there was a queue and telephones were ringing. Nonetheless I was quite upset because I had to go back to the hospital looking like a fool. Then back at the hospital I started my chemo and...it was bad. I was very tired, but going beyond it I stopped chatting to two fellow patients, one I knew, the other was just starting. we had a laugh and some jokes at my expense. 

On the way back home on the train suffering the effects of the chemo I thought of Job, whose reading we have at mass in the moment, and I had to smile. God took everything away from him and at first he concluded

Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
naked I shall return.
The Lord gave, the Lord has taken back.
Blessed be the name of the Lord!’
In all this misfortune Job committed no sin nor offered any insult to God.

I recalled the loss of my job, the loss of any ability to do anything for any length of time, the gradual loss of my mental ability to remember, to put things together quickly in my head, etc, the loss of mobility in that  can't drive, etc. As Job did so do I truly feel all these things came from God, they are his in the first place, so he can take them! But more importantly, I can also offer them as token of my love for him, which I like much more! 

At mass today the deacon reflecting on what it means to follow Jesus was concentrating on all the things it costs. Instinctively I was tempted to pass judgement on what I thought was such a negative way of looking at it. I gladly give up anything to follow Jesus, it's like being in love. You don't count the things you will miss, but you look at the fruits of your love. Jesus, but nonetheless thank you for that, because it showed me what I was giving up, out of love. So with a big smile amongst the agony I dedicate the next round of chemo to all those who have pain physical or any other way! Smile because there is an underlying joy in living all this with Jesus, because he was on the cross I can be at peace in my suffering!

Jesus here is my diary for you to complete

This morning I went to work to tell them I am not coming back to work because I am going for medical retirement. Another step to hand something I really loved to God. In one sense it felt sad, but in another I was reminded of the time I had a really bad day at the office and in a rash moment I asked Jesus to find a way by which I could earn my money but work for the movement. Well I never though he would find a way!!

I went to mass tonight and as it happened I had a very good conversation with Jesus. I told him that I am ready to live and work for the Opera the way I am, the way he wants me to be, for how long he wants me to do it. In a way I was angling for him to keep me around a bit longer, but I was afraid that I was doing it just because I would like it. Do I love him with an interested love? I suddenly realised to my horror that if all my living in present had that motivation, I would be in a bad way, because I would not really love! On the way out of church I spoke to the priest who suddenly said that he had heard from somebody in a situation similar to mine: I am ready. I have my diary to God to fill in from now on!! There was my answer to my prayer! Jesus, here is my diary. I pencilled a few things in, but you fill it in each day and I shall do my best to love you in the appointments you have put down for me.