All past as a Gift of love for Jesus on the Cross

Today is the last day of the year and what a year it has been! I would never have thought that God would love me in such a unique way! On the face of it one can thinks it is all rather unfortunate given the illness. On the other hand if it was not for the tumour I am not sure whether I would have had the graces to be so close to him and to understand his love for me. Yes, all that happens to me is God’s love for me: Today I have to ask my companions for forgiveness, because when I got up I lost my patience, most of all with God. Inside I was fed up being ill, suffering yet another recurrence of the cold, being tired after a good night’s sleep, and not improving in getting stronger. My worries about regaining my strength for what might come was more important that loving God in my brother! The life I had given to God as gift of my love for him, that gift I had taken back and suddenly everything became dark, small without life, because everything became just me! I am confused. But the returning to live in communion with the others the subtle voice of love inside is amplified through the love of the others. What a nice voice which is so clear and brings peace. But the most amazing thing is that even in that apparent failure there is God’s love! Because Jesus died on the Cross he transformed pain and suffering into love. Where I see suffering and joy God sees love in both. I can begin again now in this present moment and every moment because God never ceases to love me. What a wonderful gift to receive, because it means that all those moments of pain and suffering in the past year I can fill with one act of love  making a parcel of all those things and give them as  a gift to Jesus on the Cross. My year becomes his and it is a year full of the God’s love for us. Today I dedicate to giving all my past year to Jesus on the Cross as a gift of love.  

Why should you, a God love me, a created being, so much to die for me?

Today, being the feast of the Holy Family, I realised how much I owe my natural and spiritual family to be the person I am. My natural family has been a real gift, with both my parents giving me all the love I needed, but also all the love to understand and start my relationship with God. Both were God’s love for me, my brother and sister. For all the adventures we went through I was fortunate enough to learn that there is no joy without pain. Both parents in their own individual way had a relationship with God which showed in their relationship with their children! 

The inevitable had to happen for me: to meet my spiritual family, the Focolare Movement, living a communitarian spirituality! A different kind of family which in 1974 was the start of a journey together with others to God full of gifts, but most of all full of love. God loves me immensely and he always has even before I was born, and he always will. Love call for love in return and in order to love him back I wanted to dedicate my whole life to him! I wanted to love him in those moments when was least loved, least attractive; least considered and so together with others I gave my life, consecrated my life, to Jesus forsaken on the Cross! I thought if I love him in his most desperate moment at least he is not so lonely. A journey began, a Holy Journey, that is still taking me to totally unexpected places.  I have received so many graces and gifts because God is never outdone in loving others. Jesus on the Cross is Jesus who is one with the Father, who is Love, a love which gives itself totally, so totally that it is no longer there because it has given itself completely! Giving my life to him I have received the life of the Trinity! Jesus, I thank you for your love over all these years of starting again, of moments of vacillation, of those moments in which I thought I had worked it all out and go without you, but most of all I thank you for the gift of perseverance, of not letting me give up, but giving me the strength to start again! But as there are moments of suffering and pain, at the same time there moments of joy and light especially when you are present amongst us! All speaks to me of your love for me, even the darkest moment, when I cannot see your love, feel it as love, but I truly believe it because you cannot but love. Here is the greatest mystery: Why should you, a God love me, a created being, so much to die for me? Is there anything greater? So, I will continue to love you in my neighbour as you teach me always! 

To love one one another for a greater communion

Reflecting on the theme of the year (Love your neighbour) that Emmaus presented to the movement I realised how important it is not for me individually but also for us as a family. 

The most important aspect for me is to put love above all else, which can be quite difficult when there are lot’s of things to do and little time to do them in. But then, is that not just an excuse? I discovered that we are very quick to find short cuts  but in this case, there aren't any! There is only the daily exercise to give everything in the present moment out of love for my neighbour. Love always gives and God’s love always give all. I find there where there God’s love there is sharing and communion which is that life of God. Today I dedicate to increase our love for one  another to live in greater communion.

Making God’s love for each one of us visible

How much have I got to love my neighbour: “Love your neighbour as yourself” Jesus says.  It is a tall order! All I do can be love for my neighbour if it is a gift of love in the present. So, if I am on my own I can be ready to give everything without living in my little world. Yesterday for example I started to do the shopping online, order one or two items for the kitchen that needed replacing, carry on sorting out the computers and making a plan for the archives, which is a pretty boring job. All of this done within my new limits in the present moment. I am very conscious how much it is living together with Jesus, who is there in a phone call or an SMS or in person of somebody who comes to the door.  

Jesus taught us really two important things, which in practice I don’t always remember:

1. We have all one Father. He has made us in his image in nature. As he is Love, we are love, made, designed to love one another.  How many times do I stop at external aspect my neighbour presents such as an opinion, an appearance, a behaviour and then categorise, put into boxes what I take as truth just because I have seen it! That is not the love of my Father!

2. Because we all have one Father we are all brothers and sisters. How can I than sit in judgement over my brother or sister, when we are equal? Even more, if God loves me all the time any neighbour that I meet is there as his expression of love for me! How can I say God doesn’t love me, if he surrounds me every day with brothers and sisters, gifts of his love for me? 

I realise that my way to God is loving my neighbour: I – my neighbour – God. We go together to God being not ourselves, but in giving everything out of love for him to be present in us and amongst us. What greater gift can there be! We can live with Him all the time! It is this love that changes relationships, that comes above anything, but excludes nothing! And if I don’t “manage”, that is also his love for me, because God cannot cease loving! I am immersed in his love and it seems to me that all that happens to me is his love urging me to love him in return in the person he puts next to me! God’s love for each one becomes visible if I love my neighbour with that same love. Today I dedicate to making God’s love for each one of us visible through loving my neighbour in the present. 

The most mundane act suddenly becomes divine

It is amazing how little I can live with apparent contradictions. First I thought it was a German cultural thing, before I realised it is perhaps part of my condition as human being. I can only deal with one thing at a time. But there is another dimension The life of the Trinity, which is love. God gives himself totally out of love, totally meaning there is nothing left, out of love. If God loves us so completely he commands us to love one another so completely: Love one another as I have loved you! And he has given us the means to be perfect in that love:

a) Our spirituality of communion, ie to live our lives together, to go to God together by sharing what he does in my life, by being open to the love of my neighbour, by really putting myself into the shoes of the other losing my ideas and opinions.
b) We go to God together. I – my brother and sister – God. My neighbour is God’s love for me, warts and all!
c) Jesus on the Cross has shown me what kind of love God is living. I want to live in such a way that I can be at least a little bit of a gift of love for Jesus on the Cross.
d) The ability to have a relationship with him always through prayer, scripture, the Church, nature but most of all through his presence amongst us, when we love one another.
e) The opportunity to always start again should we have missed a moment!
f) The present moment, which is all I have to live.

There are other things to help me to love. The important thing for me is to remember they are all means to increase God’s love for my neighbour. I often find it easier to go through the “list” thinking I have done it all, but the vital ingredient is missing: Love. All I do can be an expression of love in the present which is my only way to live for eternity, because all that is done out of love will remain. God love us immensely and he wants us all to live in that knowledge, as his free sons and daughters knowing that he can be amongst us always. Is there anything greater than for us to live in the presence of God in our daily lives? Everything becomes special, full of his presence if we act, speak and move as an expression of his love for one another! In fact the most mundane act suddenly becomes divine! Today I dedicate to making simple acts divine through God’s love for us. 

What a day it promises to be!

Reflecting a little I asked myself: Can I sit in judgement over what others say or do? What if I am at the receiving end of such judgement? God’s love for me is unconditional and it leaves me free, free also to act against him! This is the measure of love I must strive for and loving my neighbour as God loves me means:

a) To be the first to pass on God’s love to my neighbour in the present. If God loves me unconditionally I can’t keep that love to myself. It will die. 

b) To be in this attitude of love always. Yesterday I read the homily of Arch V Nicholls for Christmas and my first reaction was one of judging what he was saying. It was not love, or the belief that he was trying to love me and all those in entrusted to him by God. Does God see him in that light? Do I love him as God’s gift of love for me? 

c) To give everything without expecting anything in return. Yesterday I was with friends and one of them is games enthusiastic! I am not; I don’t like them anymore! I remembered my initial reaction to the proposal was a judgement: He should let go, listen to others, do something else! Then a second thought: I should let go, give all of my energy to make the thing work, perhaps even make a joke about not liking it but giving without expecting anything in return. I got the hundredfold with the opportunity to be with other people that I normally don’t see very often in such a relaxed atmosphere of deep mutual love! I spent all my physical energy being so tired that I slept all afternoon. But then, having given everything God’s love is never outdone! Gifts continue to arrive from all over:

a. A surprise phone call from Paul, Mary and Mark! It was just a joy to speak with them!
b. A surprise visit from a friend from work.
c. A surprise skype call from a friend.
d. Messages and gifts, through which God keeps telling me how much he loves us and me!

d) To love everybody in the present moment without distinction. My motto for today is “Give to each person I meet warmth, hope and light.” That I can’t do by myself because these come from the love God has for us and for me. 

Another day to be thankful for the gifts of love: for my health, a good night’s sleep, my brothers and sisters, the opportunity to be able to love God in the present moment. Today I dedicate to seeing God’s unique gift of love in each person I meet giving his warmth, hope and light. What a day it promises to be! 

God - Love, the ruby is with us

I saw a hen with a few chicks along the side of a road flanked by a wall down one side. A chick fell from the edge of the wall. The hen instead of calling the chick with the others, descended with all the chicks to become one with the lost one. This is because the chicken is ignorant. If it had been smarter ...

I can really identify with Chiara in what she says here from the point of view of a certain "logic" , but it has also opened my eyes this morning to another reality, the divine, the infinite! Yes, maybe the chicken could be more "logical", or send another chick to go alone or do something else. I was reminded of how many times I can think of a "better way" to do something, when I see somebody trying to do their best! Yet there is another dimension, the divine dimension, the dimension of love. The kind of love that gives everything until there's no more left:

I learned to descend to the level of the other so as to build unity (the same way as the Word became flesh) to descend with all in order to ascend with everyone.

Even God the Father becomes one with the Son, he enters the Son (and vice versa) in what looks like what a bowing down. It is actually an growth in love.

Today I is the feast of “making oneself one! I do not know if we are ever able to understand what it means for God to become a creature! He seems to lose his divinity to become a creature: it is perhaps the greatest expression of his love for us! I perhaps will never fully grasp the extent of such love! Should this is not already be enough for my unconditional love, a "yes" without reserve to Jesus Forsaken, my only good?

So with the souls: I in you and you in me. God then uses all the negative side: pain, nothingness, sin, and turns it into a positive (love!).

So he took advantage of the ignorance of the hen and that of the chicks who alone enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

Jesus Forsaken, how much joy, just as a result of your love for each one of us.

Yesterday I was able to stay for a meditation and communion with the other focolares and I had a very strong impression that each of us has a special gift from God. We are each a unique word of God for the good of the whole body. So I cannot say that the hand has less value than the head, or in other words, one perspective of things is more right than another! Yes, today is the feast of truly becoming one! I'll make use of everything seems negative, an apparent waste of time, a way of seeing something in an apparently complicated manner, turning it into a positive through my “mad” love for Jesus on the Cross, my all. And this is very real, visible! So I need to be careful

• not let myself go with comments that are not love,
• not to always look at the world from my perspective,
• to be more out looking towards the other,

• to take advantage of the negative side: the lack of strength, the effect of the medication (especially when I start to cry without reason), the memory loss or difficulty to follow the conversations, but also my limitations to always be in an attitude of  love, which I be always with the help of those I live with. 

It struck me yesterday as various people love jokes on one or the other of these so-called negative things and suddenly what seems negative became beautiful opportunities of mutual love! Then we are carefree children of God, each with a mad love for Jesus on the Cross, each one a unique word of love of the Father, entering the Kingdom of Heaven! What a great Christmas not only for us but for the world, because the kingdom of God, the kingdom of love becomes reality in the world:  God - Love, the ruby is with us! Are we really aware of the enormity of this gift?

Giving all my love to him in every person I meet!

Yesterday I rediscovered in a big way the reality of the presence of Jesus in my neighbour! How many chances do I miss to bring to life the presence of Jesus amongst us if only I loved my neighbour in the present moment as a gift of God’s love! “Love one another as I have loved you”, not love me as I have loved you! Whatever you have done to the least of these you have done to me.” My brother and sister next to me in the present moment are the best gift of love God has given me! It is a true discovery in every moment to find that all that happens to me is an expression of His love for me in that moment. Loving him in my brother and sister by being open, giving all in the present, Jesus will not be outdone in love and it is then that “where two or three are gathered in my name, I am there in their midst.” Is that presence of Jesus amongst us not worth everything? Do I really want to miss out on the life with God amongst us at the expense of my little one dimensional vision of life? When there is that presence of Jesus amongst us I discover that

1. I am truly created to love with God’s love,

2. I am an expression of his love 

3. To love I have to give, be in communion with my brothers and sisters. Love does not keep anything back and gives all! 

4. Only in loving can I be what God wants me to be: His word thought of from eternity! That is how much I am loved!

Often I put God in a box, I see him as static, I want him to be the same confining him to religion, church and liturgy. And yes God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow, but at the same time he is also always new, a person who changes always and is life! He never loves us in the same way, because if I respond to his love his love for me will be different from before!  Isn't that a great gift? Today I want to dedicate to a special intention and giving all my love to him in every person I meet!

Never be discouraged starting again because God loves me always.

Reflecting further on my life with Jesus on the Cross I often forget that first and foremost Jesus is one with the Father, because he gives everything out of love. More than that, he has given me the opportunity to find him in all my limitations, my judgements of others, my physical inabilities, my physical and emotional pain. During these months I had to learn to relax when I get an injection or a line put in my body. If I tense up my muscles any injection is very painful! After a time it now comes natural to relax and when the medical staff warn you about a sharp pain, it is not there! 

This made me think of my life with Jesus on the Cross. Dare I say it, but I need to learn to make myself “comfortable” on the cross, my cross that God has given me out of love. Instead of fighting the pain and suffering, avoiding it at all costs, I look at Jesus and go beyond loving the person next to me in the present. It is contrary to all human logic! There is more: Even, if I don’t manage and fall back into my familiar behaviour, in that pain of not managing, of failure I find Jesus on the Cross who asks me to stay with him loving, going beyond! The wonder of God’s love for me is that it never ends and lets me start again all the time. The wonder of God’s love is that is only wants the best for me. Today I want to dedicate to a special intention and to never be discouraged starting again because Reflecting further on my life with Jesus on the Cross I often forget that first and foremost Jesus is one with the Father, because he gives everything out of love. More than that, he has given me the opportunity to find him in all my limitations, my judgements of others, my physical inabilities, my physical and emotional pain. During these months I had to learn to relax when I get an injection or a line put in my body. If I tense up my muscles any injection is very painful! After a time it now comes natural to relax and when the medical staff warn you about a sharp pain, it is not there!This made me think of my life with Jesus on the Cross. Dare I say it, but I need to learn to make myself “comfortable” on the cross, my cross that God has given me out of love. Instead of fighting the pain and suffering, avoiding it at all costs, I look at Jesus and go beyond loving the person next to me in the present. It is contrary to all human logic! There is more: Even, if I don’t manage and fall back into my familiar behaviour, in that pain of not managing, of failure I find Jesus on the Cross who asks me to stay with him loving, going beyond! The wonder of God’s love for me is that it never ends and lets me start again all the time. The wonder of God’s love is that is only wants the best for me. Today I want to dedicate to a special intention and to never be discouraged starting again because God loves me always. 

I don’t want to lose sight of my great love: Jesus on the Cross.

Listening to Emmaus addressing the retreat of those living in the focolare communities in Rome on 22nd Nov12, I was quite moved! 

So let’s take all these vows seriously, let’s live them completely, with commitment and faithfulness. Once we say our yes to God, it must be a yes that is truly said with all heart, soul, and forever. But we must be aware that we are doing it so as to help us live our vocation, which is unity and the life of communion. The vows are for unity and the life of communion. 

It became clear to me once more that the way forward in this period for me and us is communion! If I am poor of goods, of relationships and my own will I find myself full of the gifts from God, in the midst of the most beautiful family in the world, because full of the presence of God, and loved by God! Where there is communion, sharing of the gifts God gives us, there is God because his nature is sharing out of love! It’s his nature! 

So that our vows may be a true ‘yes’ to Love, to Jesus Forsaken, the super Love. That they may support and substantiate a profound rebirth of the Trinitarian life in the focolares -, the only answer to the world’s thirst for communion.

My life is consecrated to Jesus on the Cross. It is only if I live like him, giving all out of love, going beyond the suffering toward the other person and thereby being nothing out of love, that he, God can live within me! So, then I am happy that all that is not love is taken away to leave only Love living amongst us. I am happy that all I write can circulate, because it is no longer mine, it is given out of love, And love calls for more love because God cannot be outdone in loving! And so I find myself with more unexpected gifts! 

So let’s not confuse freedom that comes from love, and freedom that comes from being able to say anything. It could also be a kind of deception when you feel free because all is said. Afterwards, what are you free from? We become prisoners of ourselves, of our way of seeing things, of our way of thinking. 

Being and not being out of love at the same time, saying things not saying things out of love, feeling free and not feeling free out of love, this is God’s life, the life of his love of the Trinity! Everything is lived out of love given as a gift for the other. Quite a challenge for me which I can only live in communion with others and with Jesus Forsaken at my side. Today I don’t want to lose sight of my great love: Jesus on the Cross.   

Do we know what we have?

I reflected today on my constant striving to be as perfect in loving my neighbour as possible! God loves me with a perfect love, so why should I not aim at the same with my neighbour? But then there is an important difference: I am not God! My very being, limited as it is will cause pain and suffering in the other and at time it will cause anger and frustration. In this pain I have a great chance to go beyond the appearance and be a little like Jesus on the Cross: go beyond the pain to love without analysing it. It remains still painful because I don’t like seeing anybody in suffering, but there is another dimension, ie that of the plan of God for me and all involved. That plan will not reveal itself unless I am in an attitude of love towards the other in the first place. My instinct often tells me that I have to defend myself, or only explain myself, my reasons, my way of thinking, but as good and right that may be, if I do this it has to be an act of love for the other! For that there needs to be the right moment, ie I need to be ready to be free from my mistake and the other needs to be free from his pain! Then, being free to love one another we are able to meet… in Jesus present amongst us. 

What I am describing needs God’s time scale, not mine or the others! Yet all too often we want to “sort things out”, “be open and honest”, have no “hidden agenda”, which is all good and positive. But if there is no love, no mutual love there is nothing gained! Beside does love towards my neighbour harbour any kind of ill feeling, or resentment? This is my daily challenge: to love with God’s love being naturally limited as his creature! The only key, model, example is Jesus Forsaken by the Father on the Cross. He became nothing out of love for me, for us and by giving all he received all: He took us to the Father. He did not analyse, justify, defend, but he “simply” loved giving his life. Living a collective spirituality his presence amongst us is an added gift to love. What more can I want: God amongst us! Do we know what we have? 

His time not mine

St Paul wrote in today’s readings:

There is no need to worry; but if there is anything you need, pray for it, asking God for it with prayer and thanksgiving, and that peace of God, which is so much greater than we can understand, will guard your hearts and your thoughts, in Christ Jesus.

In these last few days I have been wondering about this “peace” business, especially in the light of the many things that surround us, the many things that ”need to be done”. Again and again I hear that “spiritually” we need to be at peace with God and with one another, but when it comes to the “putting into practice” side of things it does not always work.  In fact often we get very agitated in conversations about how to do things, what is best, who has the most appropriate proposal to proceed. Often, in that process we lose our peace, I suspect, because we lose the relationship of mutual love with one another! We get caught up in our thinking and ways of doing things without intention! It’s part of our human condition! It is then that one dominates over the other, that I am more right than the other, that nobody really understands me fully, that I have rights too, etc. All familiar arguments which all point to me. But if I AM, God cannot be in me!

Yesterday, before going to bed, being absolutely tired out, physically almost incapable to keep my eye open I had the most amazing Skype call, a profound exchange, which left us both in great peace. Giving everything out of love in that present moment I realised more than ever that in order to be at peace I need to love, first of all I need to love Jesus on the Cross more than ever! He is my everything, because through him can I live. There is no life outside of him!  

So, when I want to revise a document or put a plan into action, first of all do it with him! Why do it in a hurry as if the world depends on it? God’s time scales are so different than mine. Do I not often want to do things quickly, again for the best of reasons, but thereby lose the other person and am no longer at peace? Our spirituality is a great gift for today, when everything demands an answer immediately and leads to lot of struggle. If I believe that I am like everybody else God’s instrument of love I can be at peace because creation is his work even now. Besides, on my own I am nothing and I can do nothing. It is with his presence amongst us, that I am capable of great things, because giving all of myself, being nothing out of love for Jesus on the Cross and in the other in that present moment; I am free for God to live amongst us! What greater opportunity to bring to life what he wants! If there is anything we need, we just need to ask! He does answer!

Look outside of you and not within you, not at the things around you, not at the other to possess, but look to God outside of yourself to be united with him.

Today I want to dedicate to look at God outside of me in the practical things discovering his time frame not mine and thus being at peace. 

Let Jesus fill in my programme for the day

How easy it is for me to get caught up in the daily detail slipping into my mental categories, my humanity made up of quick judgements, opinions, habits of life, including being ill and the routines of life that come with it such as meditations, prayers, my tasks in focolare, in the movement and linked with that my expectations? Then I find myself in something Chiara wrote: 

Many - erring - look at other people and at things wanting to possess them! And their look is selfish or envious or in any case sin. Or they look within themselves for something or to possess their souls, and their looks are empty because they are weary or upset.

So, does that mean all these things that come so natural to me are not good? No, but it is important to be balanced! All that is done out of love is very precious. I am ill out of love. Do I pray out of love? A sure sign of doing things out of love is the lack of attachment, ready to give everything in the present moment out of love. Once again Chiara provides me with the answer:

Look outside of you and not within you, not at the things around you, not at the other to possess, but look to God outside of yourself to be united with him.

I remember her saying elsewhere that we should have no thoughts and no will so we can have God’s thoughts and do his will! Life even on a practical level becomes very simple and yet challenging, because my only interest is to give, not have any interests out of love. Despite all the external pressure and indications of urgency I have to learn to do things according to God’s time frame and not mine! Today I want to dedicate to live according to God’s time table to help my neighbour to love in the present moment. Let him fill my diary from now on. I will put something into start with. 

Be love and stop at the means to become that love

Yesterday I was upgrading a computer which I had prepared for days for this. So I thought after a relay profound reflections in the morning of having a good god at it when the time was right offering everything. Then the time came, there were unexpected difficulties, which meant I had to spent more time and energy on the matter. I could get myself feeling angry, upset, obsessed with the whole thing! Then, once taken the step of entrusting it all to God, just before going to bed it fell into the right place. 

This morning I realised how far I am from really being nothing out of love! There is always the illusion that a good reflection, a good morning or evening prayer, or anything that is positive for my union with God is that union with God. Chiara showed me this morning that fundamental truth that I can read and meditate all the gospels, the whole scripture, I can never miss a prayer, feel actually quite good, being in union with God at the time and for the rest of the day… It made me think of the need to be clear about the forms and means that help me to be more in union with him and the reality to be in union with him. I seem to remember St Paul saying something like that. The balance is always being love, being nothing so that he can be in me. 

Today, I dedicate to being that love and not stop at the means to become that love

Joy of God by loving through the gifts he has given me

Today I was struck by the fact that God has thought of each one of us since all eternity! He did not come with idea when I was born, and that tells me even more about the immensity of his love for each one of us. As he is love by nature all he creates is love. I am an expression of his love as is everybody else! If I love with God’s love, I can bring him to my neighbour in the present moment, but I can also be the joy of God! It is when I am living for myself that I become empty and nothing makes sense. But even if that happens, God loves me so much that he has given me his son. This morning I was struck by the thought, that the saints are different from me in one way: they always start again to love whenever they stopped. Jesus on the cross started again to love and so can I always with him. 

But if God has thought of me forever, I am already complete in his mind in heaven! Loving him in my neighbour in the present he allows us together to discover the plan as we go along. So, it’s not just me understanding what he has in mind for me, but in loving the other, we understand our talents for each other. That means that in giving my particular gift out of love, I bring God and I am the joy of God, because it is not me and my ability, but having given the talent out of love God can be in me. Today I will dedicate to being the joy of God by loving through the gifts he has given me

A channel of God's love

Be a gift for the other. I was reflecting on God’s love for me. He is always a gift and he is always the first to love! Yesterday was quite a challenge to be the first to love. When I went to the GP I was more or less greeted by a very routine going through the motions attitude. No question about how I was coping, or anything I needed help with, etc. We very quickly went through the medication and I was told to get bloods done and An appointment would be made to look at my reducing prescription. I left with many a quick judgement. When I came home I decide to get some sleep, without even looking at anybody else’s needs, or even being open to others. I am tired, I am ill, I need to sleep. Not an attitude of being the first to love. The day carried on like this and I realised that I was getting more and more caught up with myself.  I wasn’t even discovering God in everything and everyone! I had lost him! But even then, I towards the end of the day I realised that there was a great opportunity to offer all as on gift of love to Jesus on the Cross. Jesus Forsaken at least let me love you with all the misery and pain I caused so that the day is not lived in vain. All has immense value if done out of love.

Today I want to dedicate to being a channel of God’s love no matter what.  

Discovering God’s love in everything and everyone.

I was struck by the fact that loving one another with God’s love means to create totally new relationships and to discover that to love like this is living the life of the Trinity! As brothers and sisters, having one Father, he has made us like him: “Designed” to love one another, to be there for one another in the present, to be in communion with each other, not to keep his gifts for ourselves but give them freely as an act of love. Despite the distinctions I make the separations I create, that love continue to be there for me. I can be sure that my Father loves me immensely. I always find the New Commandment more logical: Love one another, as I have loved you! If I, your big brother, have shown you how to love, I don’t expect anything in return. Then my love would be such. No, give that gift you have received to your brother or sister with the same expectation. There is a good description of the characteristics of God’s love for us:

1. God is always the first to love

2. God loves everybody

3. God loves always 

4. God loves putting himself in my condition ready to die for me

5. God’s love has no interest or expectations

Today I want to dedicate to discovering God’s love in everything and everyone.

Being God's love to the others

“Don’t think about yourself but others”. This is the essence loving one another! If I love my neighbour, I give and I am concerned about the person next to me in the present moment. But more than that actually: God created us as an expression of his love. So, he is present in each one of us! How can I than not treat the other person with that same love God treats me with? A love that gives all, is always new and yet the same in nature. Today I have to go to hospital, because of the cold to get things checked out, love that is always new, but I that love thinks of others, the person, who is taking me, the person on the telephone, the medical staff, anybody who I come in contact with in the present moment, love that is always constant! Today, I want to dedicate to being God’s love to others in the present moment. 

We have the life of the Trinity amongst us!

"Value the positive in my neighbour”. Where there is a negative there must be a positive, otherwise how do I know something is negative. The negative within me usually tends take its place without asking, whereas the positive appears to be more polite. I discovered that I need to concentrate on the positive to give it its rightful place. For that I need the others, friends with another perspective. In these last nine months so many positive things happened that in a way I have the impression this tumour story is almost more positive than anything else, although I certainly would not recommend it! 

But there is something much more profound here, a different dimension, the dimension of God’s love that is reflected in our lives if we are prepared to see it. Reflecting the way God loves me, each one of us, he gives all of himself, until there is nothing. He loves me totally, unconditionally and always. So, how can I then talk about anything that happens to me as “non love”? The greatest gift I have in each moment is to love him in my neighbour in the present giving what I have, not holding back, because all I have belongs to him. When I give a present to someone, I don’t have it anymore and I am free to receive something. If I keep a present I cannot receive anything because there is already something occupying the place. My experience with God is the same: If I am me holding on to all my concerns and joys, talents etc, there is no space for God. I will offer perhaps a little space, but it will be always be me! If, I get into the habit of loving God by making a “parcel” of love giving all these things to him every time. Then by loving I am free, I am no longer me, because I have given myself to Him and he can live in me! How wonderful! God amongst us all the time! As already said, it is a daily effort and when I don’t succeed Jesus on the Cross shows ma all the time how to start again, to be love, to be positive, to be nothingness out of love, and therefore to be love. It is a grace and I cannot achieve this on my own, hence my neighbour is there in the present. I find that with time and the exercise of starting again become always new, because love is always new. Finally, in my experience I can be love more easily together with others also because in loving one another we have light, we have the life of the Trinity amongst us!

My feast day

Know how to dialogue.” It sounds all very simple, but I noticed that it anything but especially when it involves strongly held beliefs and deep convictions! Many times I thought it’s enough to respect the different opinion and perspective, be clear about what I believe in and defend well what I believe to be right. Then I thought that such attitude hasn't stopped any wars in the past and now. Friends have fallen out over differences of opinion. So what takes priority: that I am right at all costs or that I really try to enter into the way of thinking of the other to understand him/her more fully? 

I remembered what it means to love: To give everything to the point of being nothing, having nothing left out of love! God gives me all of himself all the time to the point that he has nothing to give, why, because that is his nature: Love. So, when I hold on to something I cannot truly welcome the other in me and fully understand him/her. There is no space. Loving my neighbour in the present leads me to a new strategy in dialogue as expression of that love: When I speak to somebody I will try to fully listen without thinking of an answer whilst the other still speaks! Empty my mind out of love; give everything out of love so that it is God who can give us the answers. If that is reciprocated then there emerges another, a third perspective, not a compromise, borne out of that mutual love which is right for the moment, because having given everything out of love God can act! What a revolution in dialogue! So it happened today with various people. I was at peace because there was God present instead of me or the other. 

It made me reflect on the constant close presence of God in his creation. If everything that happens to me is a sign of his love for me, I am the most fortunate person on earth, because I am constantly loved. That also means that all the people I meet in the present put there by God are the best people to express his love for me! The challenge is to go beyond appearances to see what God intended for each one of us in each moment. And if I don’t manage? The greatest gift is that I can start again, immediately! So, today I dedicate to loving God in and with my neighbour for the retreat in Rome, for Tim’s mum and all the movement. 

Love with God's Love

Loving my neighbour in the present moment is really against the current mentality! I find it always very easy to express my thoughts and opinions on one thing or another without taking into account the way I do it. Yesterday at home we looked at a few practical arrangements and naturally there are different perspectives and opinions, which is very nice because we are all unique. I realised again, that we were all gifts of God’s love for one another, unique! In that uniqueness we need to comprehend each other. I realise that in order to love, ie to give I need time. Jesus “wastes” a lot of time with me in order that I understand and respond to his love. So I need to take the time to love my neighbour in the present with without hurry, instead of making instant judgements before the other has even had time to finish. Love by nature gives itself totally, to the point of being nothing, of not being precisely out of love! It is love’s very nature. Only being nothing out of love, being can God who is love be in me!

If I give my life to God, I don’t have it anymore, it belongs to him. I am his, not mine and he can come to me because there is a space for him. Then, everything that happened to me is an expression of that love of God for me! 

But loving God for me is very visible because he commanded me to love him in every person that passes in the present moment. If we love one another than there is God amongst us. I can live with the Trinity, with God himself! What a gift for today’s world. God, present in his creation transforming everything because of his infinite concrete, visible love for us. I think we are the most fortunate people on earth, if can really love one another with God’s love.

Love is a strong comandment

Love one another, is a strong commandment! I can never reflect on this enough, because I don’t think I will ever fully grasp what love means. God who is love has given me all of himself, me a creature, made by him out of love! He has also given me the precious gift of freely love him in my neighbour in the present. Knowing that I will not be able to do this all the time because my nature as created being has given me his only son! On the cross Jesus Forsaken became one with me. He became like me and he is present within me and around me, in my limitations and all circumstances, in my brothers and sisters. All around me speaks of God’s love if I can only look through the eye of Jesus on the Cross. The immensity of his love for me, for us becomes suddenly apparent because I am in a different dimension. 

So, the fact that I am tired, suffering from a cold, very limited in my activity, frustrated and unreliable in memory and decision making all speaks of God’s love for me because I am a little bit like Jesus on the Cross, and he carried on being outside of himself to love, to be a gift to others. What great opportunity for the others for a gift for me! This makes me realise the enormity of God’s love! So, how can I reduce this divine love just to me and my world! It would not be love. Today, I dedicate to being the gift of love in the present moment!

To give space to God in the other.

“To all who receive him he gave power to become children of God.” Just reflecting on this I am a amazed at the enormous gift. I am a child of God not by merit but by a gift of love from Him. Not only that, everybody else is a child of God and if God is our father, we are brothers and sisters, equal! Sounds obvious, but from my, our behaviour, we don’t treat each other as equal. How many times do I put me before loving God in my neighbour. I have all the experience in this and that, I know best, because I have done it before, I have a talent from God! More and more I discover that all these things are given into my hand to make his love visible! When I and my talents, inspirations and gifts from God get in the way of taking time to love my neighbour, it is always me. Where there is me there God can’t be! Here is the challenge: To love the way Jesus loved when he was on the cross, giving everything, becoming nothing out of love! 

Our father brings us up, makes us grow with what he holds most precious, if we chose to follow him: His very nature is Love. God is love and he wants me to be that same love! But the greatness of his love is to give me complete freedom, freedom to love him. I realise that once I love him I am a child of his. But his love is very visible, because I can go to him through the person next to me! What a gift. When I woke up this morning with a cold, my bandage was coming off during the night. I was worried and realised I was all looking at me. At breakfast there was an occasion to love my neighbour forgetting about me, being nothing out of love. If I love God in my neighbour in the present God loves me in return. He cannot be outdone in generosity. So I am at peace. So, today I want to dedicate to being that nothingness of love in the present moment, to give space to God in the other.

To love

Now, after surgery, I see that the real challenge begins for me. I can't go back like before and on one side this is very fascinating! The surgeon, as usual was right when he described all possible symptoms as result of the surgery and insertion of the wafers: I have a lazy brain, which occasionally appears as a spontaneous paralysis in the face, or on the left side of the ear, the eye, the hand or leg. It's like a game. Just don't get scared and go ahead and it’ll pass! Another consequence of all this is fatigue, due to the fact that I have to do almost anything with will power although the automatic processes are beginning to kick in and it’s getting easier. I have found that I get tired going downstairs into the kitchen, or doing some cooking or talking on the phone for a long time! There are also a number of funny symptoms and we had quite a laugh! When I am speaking, I can’t find the right words! I make strange decisions: So, the other day I decided who knows why, to clean, the fridge at midnight! I had all the food on the floor! No reason! Then, I wanted to clean the House at 3am in the morning with the hoover! These are the external visible challenges God gives me to love him. I am stripped of all my capabilities, stuck in bed because too weak to move. On the face of it all a dead loss, a waste, what’s it all for? 

And yet there is a totally different way of looking at it: what does it actually mean to love? To love one another as Jesus loved us? If I want to have God’s love for my neighbour I let him live in me. If I live in me there is no space for him to be in me. Looking at and living with Jesus on the Cross I understand that he is with me now and in giving him all the limitations as gift, parcelled up out of love I am left with nothing… out of love. This is the greatest gift God has given me: The possibility to be nothing out of love which then allows him, God Love, to be in me! Suddenly everything becomes beautiful, even the most despairing thing. If it was not for the tumour I would perhaps never be so close to God, if it wasn’t for this period of rest I would never be do what I can do now! But above all, whatever the plan is: It is a plan of immense love by God, and that is beyond beautiful! I realise more and more that I need to make haste to love my neighbour, but that I must make time to love her/him. There is no shortcut to loving my neighbour or God. Love calls for communion, for sharing and that needs time. Often I find I presume the other person living the same spirituality, the same faith, knows what’s it all about, but that is not the point. God is not in a hurry to love each one of us and that’s why I only have the present moment! Why, then do I rush from one neighbour to the other often causing havoc with my superficiality? If I loved in peace knowing that all is always in God’s hands, the other person can love me back in the same way and then..we have Jesus present amongst us! What better guide! 

My challenge for today is to make the time to love, to be attentive, to be still. There is nothing to be done or accomplished other than that. For if I truly love, things will happen as love always expresses itself, and that’s God’s task. 

All these external, practical things are only the external signs of the love of God for me and us. I only have to be attentive not stop there. And for this I need my brothers and sisters because in the communion between us we can see clearly! And if I mess up? I can still love, starting again and again. There are many opportunities to offer everything to Jesus on the Cross as my token of my love for him. Then my life is one of communion which is rich in the unexpected gifts from God.

God loves me

In these last few days I realised once again in a very powerful way how much we are in the hands of God, loved by him in each moment. When I went to hospital things turned out quite differently from what I might have expected and to start with I had a very limited way to communicate with the outside world as there was no internet or phone access. So, after the operation I found myself with the opportunity to be with God giving him everything, yes even the things I had recently understood and been given by him! God’s love is forever new, changing, never the same, but always faithful. 

Jesus Forsaken by the Father, who cries out: “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” is the one alongside me! What a privilege to have a brother like that. And so in these days he asks all the “whys” contained in that big why. 

• Why do I remain so full of myself, attached to a pair of slippers when I am asked to give my life to God?

• Why is it such an effort for me to be rather than to do?

• Why am at this stage in my life?

• What is going to happen next?

Whilst in hospital I had a good conversation with a friend from Whitstable that made me realise in a very profound way that whilst it is deeply human to ask these questions, there is always the temptation to concentrate on being me! And that means shutting God out even unintentionally! I realised how much we need each other to be immersed in God, which we can if we love one another the way he loves us. The most beautiful thing about that visit was that we could look at everything knowing that we have to entrust it to God to sort out, because after all it is his work! 

So, I am together with many others on my journey to God, accompanied by his love in every moment. Everything that happens to me is an expression of God’s love for me! The success of the operation, the fact that I have to rest, the many occasions of living the present moment, the fact that there have been so many gifts and graces throughout these last nine months.

God's love is never the same

Today is the "big day"! or is it? My motto today is: Be humble in front of my neighbour, because today as any other day I am called to love in the present, to offer my uncertainty, my hunger ( I haven't eaten since yesterday), my apprehension, my being similar to the one I Love most: Jesus on the Cross. Not being... out of love for him, who is with me, is present in my brothers and sisters in the present, including the medical staff. In that way I am  ready for the operation, but also ready for anything else. So, in that sense it is a day like any other, special, unique, never the same as the previous, because God's love is always new, it is never the same! 

We have overcome the world

So, today it is meant all happen. I am waiting for the call from the hospital and then, wait a minute! Do I put my life on hold for a phone call. No, so back to the present! Yes, I am a little anxious perhaps, but all can be lived for something. Thinking of others who are really suffering, with no way out. 

But most of all if I am not the first to love, how can I expect to be loved by God? If I am full of myself with the worry over the hospital I have no chance of seeing God in my neighbour! Back then to loving, to be outside myself in the present moment. But despite everything, including these pains and sufferings Jesus remains with me and this is the ultimate way of loving. I return always to Jesus Forsaken, on the Cross, who is my life, because he shows me God, the Father. 

Jesus, how can I not love my neighbour in the present moment? How can I not live, offer, suffer as a gift for your life amongst us. Today I dedicate to an ever deeper life of your presence amongst us! After are we are son of the King and with him we have overcome the world.

Infinite variations of his love

These last two days have been full of gifts of the love of God for me. I am more than ever conscious of the fact that God loves me immensely, in the present, the way I am. Forever I come up against my limited human thinking which inevitably centres on me and my things. I believe it is part of the human condition, but God has given me his son to be at my side always. Jesus, abandoned on the cross is always there in all the brokenness, frustration, anxiety and perhaps most of all the unknown, the ever changing. In preparation of the forthcoming operation I wanted to go to Aylesford for a time of prayer and reflection. It was not possible, because the people I was hoping to meet weren't available! Initially, it seemed a little harsh to get told to come back another time, when there is no other time! Then, I realised: it is not about being prepared, it is about me again! Where I am God cannot be, where I am there no love of God. I started again to love, to be outside myself for my neighbour, sorting out things at home and that was probably the best preparation for me: to grow in love!! Tomorrow, the plan is to go to hospital and I want to go in peace loving being that nothingness of love without expecting anything and being there with Jesus in the present moment. There, I find his love for me. As he lives with me now in joy and pain, I can live for others giving all.

Being gift for the others, it is not actually me who is the gift, but it is us: Jesus and I as one. Isn't it marvellous to live in communion with Jesus moment by moment reflecting the life of the Trinity! It’s mind boggling, but an immense gift. So, even if I go into hospital, although I may physically go on my own, I am not, because in God we live in ever greater communion! If only we were more conscious of the presence of God in us and amongst us, then soon the world would be one, because invaded by the infinite variations of his love expressed through each one of us in a unique way! 

Nothing to stop God to be amongst his people!

After a beautiful period of light and insight during which I have come to understand many things in my relationship with God now another part of the same trip seems to open up, very much full of temptations, temptations to retreat within myself thus excluding God.

I feel within me a certain rebellion: I do not want to be sick any more, with limited forces, do not want to be able to sleep, exposed to the effects of the drugs and spend another day in the hospital in preparation for a very dangerous operation. No, I would like to be in full strength, work and live for God and for the Movement, to give everything. Then in the morning, getting up in the kitchen I bang my head strong biting my lip and half asleep I lose my attitude to love my brother who stands beside me!

Then I realise that it is all me, about me, and where I am God cannot be, because two people cannot occupy the same space! God, out of love will always leave me free.

But “he who loves his life will lose it, and he who loses his life will have it”, I read somewhere. So, if I want to be what God has created me for, I have to be nothing, nothing out of love. Love gives always and therefore is not there, precisely because of its nature. Jesus on the Cross is for me the ultimate visible sign of love, giving himself totally he is the visible expression of God’s love for us, for me. He is the one I chose to give my life to in every moment, bitter or sweet, so that Jesus on the Cross is at least loved a little! This love constantly brings me out of myself to give, to live for the other, to be there for the other. It transforms everything and gives value to everything that it done out of love. So all the things I do or say are making up my relationship of love with my neighbour, because they are a gift! And If that love is mutual there is really nothing to stop God to be amongst his people!

Living together with God

If am the son of God, who is love that means everybody I meet in the present moment is a living expression of God's love for me! So how can I 

1. Judge a person? 

This morning there was a problem with the bank. When I call I am already agitated because of the unexpected inconvenience, ready to blame the system. Then before I start talking to the person I say to Jesus that we need to talk together with this person. During the call I understand that when moving address I did not notify the bank of my new phone number. So they could not phone me to alert me of the problem. Jesus thanks again for that lesson to be universal servant, a slave of love. 

2. Being impatient therefore not in an attitude of loving? 

I find myself in a hurry, and therefore without peace, blaming Jesus for my limited ability. The shopping arrives and I realise I have forgotten many thing. Well, at least we have lot’s of garlic! 

3. Know everything better than the other and do things my way? 

For an act of love I lost some shirts. I was struck by how easy it was that this thing could get between me and another. Instead, no, because the love of Jesus in us is greater. 

4. Being busy of my things? 

First, my phone does not work and I give it all attention to see how to repair it getting more and more agitated, until I realize that "I very much am" instead of "not" out of love. I feel that my day does not go according to my "program". I also realize that I live and not Jesus in me! 

But I realise Jesus paid for everything, even for my nature, thus being with him I pay too, offering everything for the lives of others, the life of the movement. So the joy, the real life in God returns. We can continue to live together with God among us and it's a great life!

What greater guide do I need!

God commands each Christian to love the other to the point of complete self-giving, as Jesus taught and did. So how can we live this Word of Life well? How can we reach the point in which the Father himself will love us and the Trinity will come to dwell within us?  By putting into practice with all our hearts, radically and with perseverance, precisely this kind of love for one another.

The Trinity will come to live in me! No less! What must I do? Give myself totally without looking at returns, interests, “what’s in it for me?” No, love gives without looking at these things. That allows love to be always new, in everything and whenever I have not been in that attitude of love I towards my neighbour in the present moment I can still love in that pain and suffering of not having loved and therefore transform all into love. Why, because Jesus died on the cross! Where there is love, there is God! Where there is no love, put love and you will find love! And when that love is returned, there is God in our midst, here, now! Then the most important aspect of my life are not things, facts, project, but it is the relationship with person in the present. All the projects, facts and things have value if they are not my expression, but the expression of love for my neighbour. Then I am guided by God in our midst, who is love. What greater guide do I need! 

God always loves me!

I am discovering God in a new way, which makes me want to love him more! God is love, which has no beginning and no end! He has always loved me and he always will. Every moment he leaves me free to say yes to him, to his love for me, which is never the same. God the always new, who gives me the chance to always start again. What a love! I can love my neighbour in the present moment with a love like it, and when that love is returned, there is God in our midst, here! It’s not always easy, but I need not be perfect, I need to start again. 

Today when I was told that the surgery will be November 26 and I should prepare by having complete rest, restrict activities, and reduce the risk of infections by not going near crowds, it felt like going into hibernation! Then I immediately thought of the possible adverse effects of the operation, such as paralysis, loss of memory, more side effects of drugs. While thinking about all these things, I realized that naturally I was getting angry, blaming others, asking questions, but most of all I became sad. Once I forgot about me returning to love the person with me in the present moment, I was at peace, had joy, and because it is was then that I was with God. I am truly me, when out of love I don’t look at me! Just as God, the father is truly the father only if he looks at the son! I can’t do this by myself and need God’s help usually expressed through my neighbour, and he always loves me.

Loving my neighbour I am very close to God

I am discovering that in loving my neighbour I am very close to God!

God is love and in his nature of being love he gives himself totally. His “being himself” consists of not being, out of love, Therefore he is love! If I love my neighbour in the present moment, I'm not myself, but I am what God has made me for, the word that God has had always in mind when he created me! So I don’t need to worry about “being myself”, In fact the more I am concerned about myself the less I am free to love, the way God is love. It struck me during this recent period that I did not so much have to lose a lot of things, but love my neighbour in the present moment give everything out of love. More and more I miss certain skills due to the recurring tumour: I'm more tired more quickly, I cannot be very active physically, forget things and am slower, and as consequence have to make psychological adjustments.  There are the "whys", but they do not give me the real answers and make me less free to love, to be outside myself. I remember Jesus on the Cross in his deepest suffering of being forsaken by the Father. He carried on being love and he is with me on my cross making everything is a gift of love for God. I give God everything because I love him, not because I want to get better, or have less discomfort, etc. Only then will I be truly free. 

We can be carefree, because we are children of God. Yes, because if I think, I am full of me, my concerns than there is no room for God! So how do I do it? By loving, being outside of me, turned always to the other person in the present moment: I want what the other wants, because it is Jesus who wants it. He will look after me because he loves me. I might not always see it that way, probably because I look inwards, to myself. That does not change the truth of his love for me in very moment! I have never been unloved by God! Yesterday, when with consultant we saw that another operation is necessary I was peace, profound peace, because I knew God loved me. Instead of worrying about me I tried to love the person next to me, the consultant making feel at ease, thinking about asking helpful questions, making suggestions. When he phoned me later to confirm the operation would go ahead I thought it was another sign of God’s love! Usually consultants don’t phone patients directly.

What a gift of God to be able to love! Give something to him every moment, a smile, a word, a action, but all love, expecting nothing in return! Given the love God has for me I cannot just love myself by keeping it! Then there is no longer space for his love in me. If I am full of the gifts of God, there is no room for him!

To love with your imagination

Being here with Paul & Mary and talking to various people (Mary, Diana and Susie) I am just left with one thought: Thank you! I thank God for

• my life, beautiful, full of gifts I never imagined
• a community so beautiful that brings this diamond of this divine life & presence into the world
• his love, which has transformed me and always makes me freer
• all those living in the focolare community here and everywhere. They are unique treasures, wonderful allowing you to be present in the world. 
• the grace to penetrate ever more deeply his life,
• for every neighbour who passes me, because s/he is proof of his continuous love for me and others.

Tonight I am filled with joy, confident that there is a father who loves me immensely with a fantasy that never repeats itself! I just want one thing: to love my brother and sister with the same imagination.

Truly me

Having a moment of reflection this morning I understood more profoundly that

1. I am truly a son of God! I am loved by God with an infinite love.

Therefore everything is his love for me. As the cross was love for Jesus, the return of the tumor is love for me, because I am one with Jesus! Everything takes on  different dimension going beyond what's visible!

2. Jesus is my brother. He is one with me and because he is one with the Father, takes me to him!

Now I understand why I always speak with Jesus We're not just friends, we are one, more one than ever I thought: He lives and experiences, as I live! I'm on the cross with him, inside of me, and where we truly love one another he is in our midst. We travel together..always.

3. The love of God is always new! He will not ever love me the same way.

So, there is never a "routine" to love. Life with God then becomes an adventure and an offering to God, not to be cured, but an offering of love. God, I give you this moment as my gift of love, because I love you, for no other reason! God is love which is permanently new, never the same!

4. Love means to be always outside of me, not to think of me not to turn to myself.

Since my medical examination God has given me many opportunities to be there for others!  people to listen to, others to be sad with and yet others to laugh.Going to bed I was at peace, happy because I did not think of myself! Reflecting on this I realising loving my neighbour with God's is not being myself. In that act of not being myself or live for myself but for the other, I actually become myself. I understand now what Jesus means when he says: "Anyone who wants to save his life will lose it; but anyone who loses his life for my sake will find it." I am truly me if out of love I give what I have.  

Love conquers all

Naked I came from my mother’s womb, naked I shall return. The Lord gave, the Lord has taken back. Blessed be the name of the Lord! If we take happiness from God’s hand, must we not take sorrow too? "

I really like this vision of Job. God gave me life, a rich life full of gifts, but the greatest gift is his love for me. I am aware that I easily accept  the gifts that I like and not so easy those I don’t. Because he loves me all that happens to me is for my own good, it's for me to find out how!

"If anyone comes to me and does not love me more than he loves his father, mother, wife, children, brothers, sisters, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. He who does not carry his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple. "

I was struck by this passage of today’s Gospel. How true it is that slowly things enter into my life that would threaten to come above of my exclusive choice of Jesus, Jesus abandoned on the cross! So my condition becomes more important than Jesus in the morning when I look at how I am before saying good morning to the one I love the most! I discovered for this reason it is good to offer all as my gift of love for him.

Then yesterday I realized that it is very easy that the things of the moment can take over the space of God.  So I am are no longer immersed in God, I do not see things with his eye. Then there is no peace and joy! I had the experience if I open up to my neighbour in the present moment, at home, on the phone, in the street. In the communion, there I find God, in giving also my suffering I immerse myself in God and then everything changes! I go back to the essentials, the eternal things of my daily life with the belief that love conquers all!

Jesus help me to stand

This morning I had another surprise: The doc wants to see me asap and he is concerned about the gradual loss of the use of my left arm! I am back on the steroids! Immediately, I was disappointed as there is a good chance of the tumour being on top again. So the questions start: Why did it not work? It was all going so well! Was all this treatment a waste of time? Then amidst the questions and tears a there is Jesus on the cross, my truest friend, telling me I am here, with you..always! Did I not have a great past few months with so many gifts? Have I not been able to live during this period, without pain, remaining alert and being there for others in the present? Hasn't this period been a great change to the positive for me? And, did we not know the roadmap of this story from the beginning? Yes, I don't like it! Who would? But any difficulties, pains are also a spring board for something unexpected, for discoveries of things I never knew I had, for growth, even of tumours! Now I have a choice: to live in misery feeling sorry for myself, but more importantly ignoring God' love for me and only looking at myself or to live in peace and profound joy knowing to be loved every moment by him appreciating all the gifts I receiv. So, I threw myself into the present going to the bank, getting some money, sorting out an issue for friend who does not know the world of banks and credit cards. Then peace returned. And through being open to other (Angela, Bev, Marie, my brother & family God gave me a lot of presents. This song is one of them Jesus help me to stand. Let's live in the present now and let's live it well. Tomorrow will take care of its own troubles! Counting my blessings would take a long time! Just thinking of them is quite moving! On top of that one of my tablets makes me cry anyway! I need a new supply of tissues!!

Below is the text of the song

Jesus Help Me To Stand
by Alison Krauss


Through trials, troubles and care
I know that Jesus my savior is there
Giving me faith through darkest days
Keeping me on the narrow way

Jesus savior, help me each day
Fill me with hope, fill me with faith
Darkness retreats at the touch of your hand
Jesus savior, help me to stand

Jesus lived through darkest pain
Rejected by men, despising the shame
Man of sorrows, acquainted with grief
He gave his life so we may be free

Jesus savior, help me each day
Fill me with hope, fill me with faith
Darkness retreats at the touch of your hand
Jesus savior, help me to stand

I know that Jesus died for me
Cancelled my debt at Calvary
Rose from the dead, unlocked Heaven's door
Trust in his love and live evermore

Jesus savior, help me each day
Fill me with hope, fill me with faith
Darkness retreats at the touch of your hand
Jesus savior, help me to stand

life in the present

I see that just because I try put God at the centre of my life I am not immune to the feeling and worried of what might happen. The big difference for me is that I know that my lifelong friend Jesus on the cross is always with me. Today I told God that I would prefer to be around a little longer, but only if he thought it best! I am really lucky to be loved in such a marvellous way by a God! There is nothing better! So, I have his peace, he brought me to this point because I tried to say yes to him at every turn, so I am convinced He will stay with me! But even if I should panic he will still be there, still full of love. Now I have only the present. there is nothing more, because I really only had the present before, but perhaps I did not make full use of it in the past. So, also today life in the present. 

What is important

"Who does not go forward, that is, does not improve, does not only stand still, but goes back. That's why we really need to keep us all linked up, roped in to help and encourage each other to walk, to take even some small step, and so not go backwards.”

How true! Walking together we are really strong! The physical limits are more notable and it is unlikely only to be the medication or fatigue. But we will see what the scan reveals next week. It is useless to speculate even though there is always the urge to know, why. Therefore it’s much more important
1. To live much more immersed in God moment by moment,
2. To remain in the present thinking of my neighbour,
3. Offer my contribution to God for what he wants.

Today I was still very tired from the chemo, which was perhaps the worst apart from the first. I feel that today I let myself go a little not living in the present. But it’s enough to start again. In the morning I had  a beautiful call with my brother and my sister. We also talked about the deterioration, but mostly we had fun! I remembered that the only thing that matters is the love for one another! Then Jesus will be with us.

What more do I want

Today is a significant day in my treatment: This is my last chemo. In these last days I noticed a slight deterioration in my left arm and hand. In a week I have another scan to see how things are. Again the temptation creeps in to make assumptions, to speculate, to worry; to live in the future I don’t know. So, it’s back to the present I know the way the tumour makes me travel, so there are no surprises. I have nothing but the present fully for the person next to me in that moment. In fact I'm discovering many unexpected gifts, such as the joy of finishing a puzzle (I have never done a puzzle before!!) or the serenity associated with being totally at peace. Nature becomes very beautiful as do many people with their individual ways of doing or saying things. It makes me all smile. It is a great gift – you are all great gifts! Today I want to remember those people who are in a lot more pain than me, physical and emotional! I am sure we all have somebody in mind. Let’s offer up our day for them! Especially those who are suffering alone! I want to dedicate my day to them. 

My one hope and trust is that I shall never have to admit defeat, but that now as always I shall have the courage for Christ to be glorified in my body, whether by my life or by my death. Life to me, of course, is Christ, but then death would bring me something more; but then again, if living in this body means doing work which is having good results-I do not know what I should choose. I am caught in this dilemma: I want to be gone and be with Christ, which would be very much the better, but for me to stay alive in this body is a more urgent need for your sake. 

This piece from the readings of today's mass struck me, because it showed me once again that my life is with Jesus, in me, amongst us, in the Eucharist! What more do I need or want!

Jesus thanks for your presence always

Yesterday I leant an important lesson: If I keep looking at myself to observe whether my condition is deteriorating, it surely is for two reasons: first because it will at some point and I know that, so I will always find something and second Because I perhaps don’t live the present well.. But if instead I go ahead as I can I remain in the present. I know that things will be slower from now on, but that is in the nature of my life. these last two days I was in a black hole, because I did not look at God in me and around me. I had “resigned myself” to whatever. That is not love, but a temptation to look at “poor me”. I need to look outwards to see the Jesus, the light in my neighbour: Not my will but you will be done! I only hope as things move on, I will always be able to love the others as Jesus taught me.  Today I dedicate to being able to see God’s immense love in everything, and if I can’t see it, to believe in it! I want to live he present and it’s gifts I receive in each moment like good night’s sleep, no pressure to do anything, simply enjoy the present without rushing. The greatest gift for me is to know that I am not alone. Only that thought brings me a big smile! So the chemo is not that heavy, the medication not that hard to endure! I often remember the story of the strawberries. It’s very nice because very positive. But most of all I am never without by best friend in me and in our midst! Jesus thanks for your presence always.  

Live the present without hurry

As I move on I become more and more aware of the effects the drugs have on me. It seems that everything is slowing down, even the typing! The faster I try to type the more mistakes I make. I need to speak slower in order that my words can be understood. I need more rest and one could get very worried about this. One thing I think I have learnt during this period is to adapt, to live in the present the way I do best. I have slowed down and will probably slow down further, but it is all good for living the present well and in depth. Another challenge to love and take these new limits as a gift from God. It made me realise how much I missed before doing things in a hurry. One temptation is to be sick instead of being love! Another effect of the drug are the mood swings. Naturally I ask myself is it the drugs or is it the tumour? But then DIM? I need to live accepting my new limits. it is a gift, because it allows me to love more. Love truly conquers all! Even my new physical limitations allowing me to do thing in more depth. However, I did notice that if I don't look at myself but at how best to love, life suddenly becomes quite different. So it is all an encouragement to love more slowly but more intensely. What a chance to live the present moment without hurry!

There are moments of pain and suffering, which in my view are big temptations to turn in on yourself, where I usually find a big black hole. My vision becomes narrow and very negative. I don't notice the beauty of the world around me, sometimes hidden, sometimes for all to see! It's enough to know how to find the hidden beauty in the things around me. Today I had a seemingly wasted journey to the hospital. But I was with a friend for an hour which was very nice. I came back being happy in a more profound way! So more smiles thanks to Fergus. Ho can I not say that life is beautiful?

There is only love

This weekend has been quite special in many ways for me. Seeing our not so small family of the focolare, meeting many people, even if only briefly, I could not help but feel like the son of a king! the many gifts. The way everyone I met was God's gift for me. I am tempted to name quite a few people but it would be unfair, because everybody was a gift for he other. It was an very special weekend for me, because I was living in the light, with Jesus truly amongst us! It was a special grace and it was truly an experience of the Holy Spirit at work! The richness and true revolution of our relationships lies in a simple phrase: "Love one another as I have loved you." Once again I understood what that actually meant in practice:

1. Being rather then doing. If I am love for the other I have truly loved.
2. To love means to accept the other in the present moment as a gift from God as he/she is, completely! If God accepts me completely can I do anything else with my brother or sister? 
3. Make haste to love but not to love hastily. Take time for the other. There were true meetings this weekend! 
4. I can always love! There is nothing that stops me from loving my neighbour in each present moment. 
5. As Jesus on the Cross continued to give, to love so can I in my situation. As always, one thing is what I would like to do quite another is to give forgetting myself and not looking for a return. That is love. 
6. Communion increases our love for one another. I can be a gift to the other! And the other for me!

..and then amongst all the things there is only love that remains. How much more fortunate can we be?

Jesus see you there

“O Lord, let me not henceforth desire health or life except to spend them for you, with you, and in you. You alone know what is good for me; do therefore what seems best to you. Give to me or take from me; conform my will to yours; and grant that with humble and perfect submission and in holy confidence I may receive the orders of your eternal providence, and may equally adore all that comes to me from you,” (Blaise Pascal).

Perhaps not a language I would use, but then this was along time ago I like it, because  God alone knows what is good for me, everything also becomes an expression of his love for me. The sleepless night, a resulting physical malaise, a certain grumpiness and whatever else the day has to offer! All says to me: I love you especially and immensely. How can I not reply with love for him in everybody that passes next to me? Today I will see lots of familiar faces of our little family of the Focolare and I am really looking forward to it. But Jesus make sure I really love fully in the present moment without haste, in peace so that you can be amongst us! Without you there is nothing. With you in our midst it is your love that can transform everything. Jesus, see you there!

What a great opportunity

Also this year, in all likelihood, some of us will leave for heaven and it's not bad if, for a moment at least, we consider that it could be our turn. Of course, sooner or later the time comes for everyone. It is in this perspective that the life that remains (months, years ...) can not but appear to us as a great opportunity, a unique opportunity, an opportunity not to be missed, in which to create something really nice, great and holy. But how?

Chiara speaking in the link up in 1983. It immediately struck me that this something great will not be being organized, having done big events, or something really spectacular! Chiara herself answers the question:

So as not to miss the great opportunity of life we have left, we take every opportunity to love one another , with the "size" of Jesus' love, with an emptiness of ourselves, with us "making ourselves one" with everyone,  stepping into the others shoes, so that the Risen Christ is in our midst .
Offer the Risen Christ to the world, give birth to Jesus, like Mary did, this is an extraordinary opportunity to be seized.

Suddenly I realise that everything I do, if done with this kind of love will be extraordinary, because it contains God's love. For example organising a house move, moving a telephone point, planning Bright Lights, the forthcoming update weekend, or washing the dishes becomes extraordinary, because it is not me and you who do things but it is truly Jesus who has given us the things we do as a visible expression, the vehicle of that love for one another. What a great opportunity!

Jesus I want what you want, because I love you

Every morning and every evening I pray "Jesus, because you are forsaken on the cross I offer you this day or this night!" It is a constant reminder of God's immense love for me. He, a God, gave his life for me, a created being! In response to that love I want to be there to return that love. 

How many times amidst the tears of any kind of pain and suffering can I respond to his love through a smile, a friendly word, a simple friendly gesture! How many times do I ask myself: Is what I now do loving Jesus in my brother or sister or is it for my own benefit? Is what I do in the present standing between me and the other person? If it does, it is also standing between me and Jesus! 

I have to be very careful that my conversation with Jesus, my prayer, is not clouded by self interest along the lines of: Jesus I talk to you because I want something from you, like a longer life, health, peace or whatever it is. His love is totally free, without any hidden agenda. I want to love him in my neighbour like that in the small things of the day, such as getting some bread, making the effort  for the other without expecting anything in return. There are so many gifts in return, but the greatest of them all is the joy and peace that come from being close to God, of being immersed in God, who is love. What more do I really want in life! Everything I have done and will do passes away, all I live for if without love for my neighbour will disappear! I discover always more that all the things God puts in my way are there to make my love for him in my neighbour visible. In return he remains with me always. What a gift! So, I just say to Jesus: I want what you want, because...I love you!