Today at mass I understood again in a very powerful way the sense of my illness. It is such a privilege to have at least an inkling as what it is all about! I have seen that God's love always wants the best for us. Apparently how can such illness be the best for me? Because it has focussed me on Him, it has allowed me to be immersed in God. If my home is heaven, that must be the best thing that has happened to me, because it is God's love for me! with time I understand that all the things I get involved in during my day, shopping, transcribing a tape, doing some work on the computer, writing the blog, speaking to people on the phone, all those things God gives me every day in order to have a chance to express my love for him in the person next to me. How? By making sure that He is always the most important thing.
The little things during the day make God's love visible. If you have ever been to a night club, you will know you get an invisible stamp on the back of your hand as evidence that you have paid. When you shine an UV light on your hand the stamp becomes visible. I think it is the same with the love of God. If we are immersed in God moment by moment, the things that come our way each day are the UV light that make that love visible. If I only concentrate on the UV light I don't see what it illuminates, If I only look at the things to do, I forget God and I loose sight of my neighbour.
What if I mess up, forget, etc? Nothing, God tells us that we just need to start again. If I love despite my limitations, my physical and psychological inabilities I am like Jesus on the Cross. He carried on loving his mother, his best mate when he was at the height of suffering! Is is easy? No. Can I make it? Only with God's help, which, in my experience, is made visible, if we love one another so that he can be present amongst us! The pain is halved and the joy doubled!
How can I love in my situation? I thought of this a lot today and I conclude that there are three things:
- Stay immersed in God. For me that means perhaps watch less tv, which does not help me being immersed in God. Perhaps I can read more, which is not my strong point. Also instead of waking up and first looking at how I am, perhaps checking how the others are is being immersed in God in my neighbour.
- Communicate what God gives me to understand and to live as an act of love, disinterested in any echoes or responses and be always aware it is a gift, it is love made visible. I am just the vehicle for us to go to God together, as someone else is the vehicle in organising, speaking, preaching, listening. The instrument is never more important than the person who holds it, God.
- To remind myself of the purpose of everything: To show God's love for us altogether but also for each one of us. He loves us individually, personally very much. We just need to discover it! My response is to offer each day for something as at git of love and thus give purpose to every moment. Today is for the meeting of the delegates of the movement in Rome and for Callan's licencing!
Jesus thank you, thanks for being there no matter what, thanks for my life, for being able to love you today in each present moment together with others. I can't grasp really how lucky, loved and fortunate I am!!!
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