Peace in my suffering

Well, Jesus, it did not take you long to complete my diary! Yesterday was full of events I hadn't planned! First the hospital. The consultant was quite angry because my medication was totally wrong, mainly because I had not read his letter properly. For my a moment to be there for him without judgements and excuse, simple to start again, to love him, but most of all to remain at peace. Then an unexpected trip to the GP surgery as they did not manage to sort out my prescription. The receptionist was rather rude and inconsiderate, probably because she was on her own, there was a queue and telephones were ringing. Nonetheless I was quite upset because I had to go back to the hospital looking like a fool. Then back at the hospital I started my chemo and...it was bad. I was very tired, but going beyond it I stopped chatting to two fellow patients, one I knew, the other was just starting. we had a laugh and some jokes at my expense. 

On the way back home on the train suffering the effects of the chemo I thought of Job, whose reading we have at mass in the moment, and I had to smile. God took everything away from him and at first he concluded

Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
naked I shall return.
The Lord gave, the Lord has taken back.
Blessed be the name of the Lord!’
In all this misfortune Job committed no sin nor offered any insult to God.

I recalled the loss of my job, the loss of any ability to do anything for any length of time, the gradual loss of my mental ability to remember, to put things together quickly in my head, etc, the loss of mobility in that  can't drive, etc. As Job did so do I truly feel all these things came from God, they are his in the first place, so he can take them! But more importantly, I can also offer them as token of my love for him, which I like much more! 

At mass today the deacon reflecting on what it means to follow Jesus was concentrating on all the things it costs. Instinctively I was tempted to pass judgement on what I thought was such a negative way of looking at it. I gladly give up anything to follow Jesus, it's like being in love. You don't count the things you will miss, but you look at the fruits of your love. Jesus, but nonetheless thank you for that, because it showed me what I was giving up, out of love. So with a big smile amongst the agony I dedicate the next round of chemo to all those who have pain physical or any other way! Smile because there is an underlying joy in living all this with Jesus, because he was on the cross I can be at peace in my suffering!